Life lessons

The things that I have learnt in my 19 years of life;

1. Memories will always be a part of us
Sweet or bitter, when something occurs and the impact on us is strong, it will stay in our memory (possibly for life) unless we encounter any accident which wipes our memory clear. Often the memories that stay are the bitter ones, and sometimes they happen during our childhood. So there, a scarred childhood. But memories play an important part in our life; they remind us of the bad things that we do not want to repeat and also the sweet ones brighten our life. Memories are precious. The effect they have on us, is up to us to decide.

2. Nothing is perfect, nothing
Life, family, studies, relationships, work, etc. None of those are perfect, so are many other things. Family, it can be a happy one but problems will always stick around and if we can't handle those problems as a family (a whole) then it will slowly fall apart and the same problem will be brought up the next time another one hits. Studies? No, never perfect, at least not to me. And life? It can never be perfect because in life, that is where you have your family, studies and every other things. On the brighter side, its good that they are not perfect because only then we will have room for improvement, and also we get to learn from our mistakes.

3. Things don't always go your way
Yeah, you might have planned something out so 'perfectly' and waiting for it to happen and 'BOOM', plan ruined! Plans get ruined because sometimes, we can't foresee any obstacles and that is perfectly fine because what's life without surprises? You'll just have to take it and learn to improvise your plans and maybe make better, smarter ones next time.

4. Things are easier said than done
A very common example is New Year's resolutions. I mean, c'mon! How many of us do actually fulfill our resolutions? Maybe one or two, but never all. Most of the things, we say them easily but to actually do them, its hard. It does not have to be something big. It can be something as minor as telling a person you will be there early for a meeting or a date next time but then again, you are late. It is like making empty promises but we are not, we are just not doing the things that we said we will do.

5. Words are important
Words, words, words and words. Words are powerful, each word has their own meaning and at times, words can be hurtful. We have control over what we say but at times, our emotions take over and we lose that control. Words come speeding out when we are in anger and by the time we sit and reflect on what we said, its probably too late because those words, have already hurt someone and sometimes, it takes more than an apology to fix things. It takes time. On the other hand, words can be affirmative. They can be assuring and warming. I personally prefer to hear words of assurance especially from my loved ones. Something as simple as 'thank you for the things you've done' shows that we really appreciate what that person did for us. It does not even require a gift to show appreciation or love. Words, if we choose them carefully and rationally, they would be beautiful to hear, or read.

6. Backstabbers 
Backstabbers are. . .ugly. They are the ones who put on that mask that coax you into believing that they are fond of you and then the next moment, insulting you behind your back. They are the ones who will not help you when you are in trouble, but purposely make matters worse for you. We can't trust people completely, and when I say people, it includes our own family members. Scary, isn't it? The thought of not being able to even trust your own family, what more when it comes to trusting strangers.  Even your own family members can be backstabbers. This is one of the many signs of an unhealthy family. What I mean by this is that they don't bring problems to the table and solve them together, instead they talk about them to someone else. For example, person A in the family is unhappy about person B in the same family. Person A does not open up the problems and solve them, instead he/she complains to another person and pretends that everything is fine in front of person B. Others might perceive this differently, but to me, it is consider as backstabbing. Same goes to friends and colleagues and other people around us. Hence, do not give away your trust 100%.

These little things...

So many times in our life we allow little things to affect us and to ruin our days, yet so many times we remind ourselves not to let the same thing happen again. But how many times do we really do that? Or rather, how often CAN we not let these little things destroy us?

No, it is not an easy thing to do. In fact to me, its one of the hardest thing to do. How can you pretend that it does not hurt, it is not doing anything to you when honestly, its really doing all that. I guess I can put it in this way; someone isn't replying you but he's there and you think "Its ok that he's not replying. I don't care, its fine to me" but you check your phone again and again and then get yourself upset because its not fine to you. Uh-oh...I think I made it sound a little bit complicated, no? In another way to me, its like deceiving yourself into believing that these things do not affect you. (I don't even know what I'm trying to say now).

Sometimes I just could not get these little things off my mind although I know that I can choose to ignore them and not let them affect me. Most of the time, it does not only affect me. It affects the people around me; I tend to lose my temper or when I'm having a bad day, I vent it out on certain someone. Or I choose to ignore people, literally. (there's always one person whom I can't ignore, because I have soft spot for him). When these happen, I get upset at myself. There are reasons to why these little things affect me so much; sometimes its because I'm demanding for something and sometimes its because I don't feel the way that I should be feeling(I guess). I know its bad and I am trying to get rid of all these unnecessary little things or at least change the way I approach/receive them. Its VERY hard, especially when it comes to things regarding someone. But, I'll try.

There are things though, that I tell myself when these little things are ruining me. I'll remind myself to be patient and force myself into believing that I'm fine. Sometimes it works, sometimes. . .no.

And to the person whom I've been apologising to, thank you for being patient with me. Its just that sometimes, I want your attention.

Yet another dream

Some time ago I posted a blog post about dreams, and recently, just yesterday I had a rather weird dream; one that I never had before. I dreamed that I was dead. 

No…I did not go through walls or floated in the air but I was taken on a trip, in a lift. Each stop, I had to see how someone was murdered. I could not remember how, but I know it was brutal. The last stop, it was me. Well, I was not the only one in the lift. Someone was with me, he brought me there, and he was the murderer. I did not know that until the very last stop. 

Sounds like I made it up, right? And you must be wondering how the heck I remember what I dreamt. I do not know how either but I just can…although I don't remember tiny details but I remember what happened. I guess I mentioned that before, didn't I? So I did what some people would have done; googled for the meaning of my dream. Read a few and they all say the same thing; it could mean that it's time to let go of my past. Or that something, a new chapter of life is starting soon. It could be a possibility, I don't know. But dreaming that you're dead is not something pleasant, at least what I dreamed was not pleasant at all. It was cold and cruel. It's still stuck in my mind. I honestly hope it's nothing but just a dream…

NEW YEAR!

New Year's Eve, 2014, 1st January. 

What am I doing? You've guessed it, blogging! Yes, I spent my day at home; gaming, watching movies, doing my assignment and well, eating. I know it's a night to be spent outside and trust me, I would LOVE too. I'd make use of my two remaining upcoming years to spend it outside before I'm bound to work, I promise. Hahaha. Let me just be the good girl for the last time this year. 

So, what's so special about a new year? It's just another year, another day, same old routine, same faces. Maybe not. Perhaps new challenges, new faces, and new tasks? I guess it depends on how each individual takes it. Do you feel reluctant to bid farewell to 2013? I don't. Memories were made, goodbyes were said, tears were shed but most importantly, lessons are learnt and we had our smiles and laughters. I might have things I did not fulfill but I will not regret it because I still have next year, and next year and next year. You don't get to have things go your way all the time; there might be traffic jams and what you want gets stuck there till…well next time maybe. 

Ah ah…2013. What can I say about it? I took my SPM results and it sucks, it does but I made it to Singapore and is currently pursuing what I want. Yes, my family did had a very difficult time about me going overseas to study, mostly financial issue but thank God, thank God a million time because I could still make it there. It was very hard at first, being there alone, parting with my family, no home cooked meals but, God gave me the strength to move on! I love you God. 

The loneliness gets to me sometimes, and during difficult times, I cried my heart out alone without anyone. I still regained my strength, picked myself up and moved on. 

Okay okay, I'm cutting it short. 

In the last month of 2013, God gave me yet another person to rely on. Who would've guessed a simple meet up could lead to something more? And who would've guessed I had the balls to ask him out for a movie where things started? I'm glad I have him now. I love him (: And, first day of new year is also our anniversary. Hehe. 

So my resolutions? Work harder, give my best, learn to love better, forgive and forget, keep myself sane and most importantly, keep having faith in God. 

Two, not One.

When your past keeps coming back to haunt you, do you have a place to run to? 

Is running away even an option? Because I don't know how to face them. 

I sometimes shed tears without any solid reasons, just the heaviness in my heart. I take small things seriously and today, I don't feel appreciated or loved for what I did. How do you feel when you know your effort has gone to waste? When you do something for someone, and it isn't appreciated, your heart sinks. Maybe I shouldn't care so much. In the end, I'd get myself covered in bruises. But how do I not care? How do things work when they require two persons' effort but only one is giving? They don't, they'll just fall apart. 

But this is only the beginning…nothing's easy. I can't act fine for now, but I will be fine. I only hope I don't have to do this alone.