That's a question I constantly ask myself. I find it hard to trust people; I judge easily, I try to tear people's masks away to see if they're trustworthy, even if it means hurting them. It's selfish, but it's what I do to protect myself. It's thou I'm living in a shell, one that has hidden spikes all over and when someone decides to come near, I'll have to analyze that person so that I know if I should hurt that person to protect myself or to hurt myself but protect that person. Tricky, eh?
What I mean is, if that person I think is not trustworthy, I'll shunt him off. But if I find him trustworthy, I'll open up to him which in return exposing myself, being vulnerable to him. It sounds complicated, but I've had too much to risk myself getting hurt again. It's the past that moulds us, they say. I couldn't agree more.
I've opened up to yet another person. Well, just a second one. He's a comfortable person to talk to and that's why I chose to let him in. But knowing my own weakness, I have to keep my distance. I can't cling on too much or I'll fall deeper and become even more vulnerable to him than I am now. The strangest thing is that I see a lot of myself in him; how he takes others' view so seriously, the way he thinks and how sensitive he is and the way he protects himself. Although I want someone to come along and rip all my masks away then protect me from any harm, I have the urge to do that to him. I want to expose him, not to hurt him but to love him.
The thing is…I'm refusing to let go of this barrier I've built around me. It's hard when you have to learn how to trust people, in the meanwhile protecting yourself and not harming that person.
I myself find it confusing…
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