Two, not One.

When your past keeps coming back to haunt you, do you have a place to run to? 

Is running away even an option? Because I don't know how to face them. 

I sometimes shed tears without any solid reasons, just the heaviness in my heart. I take small things seriously and today, I don't feel appreciated or loved for what I did. How do you feel when you know your effort has gone to waste? When you do something for someone, and it isn't appreciated, your heart sinks. Maybe I shouldn't care so much. In the end, I'd get myself covered in bruises. But how do I not care? How do things work when they require two persons' effort but only one is giving? They don't, they'll just fall apart. 

But this is only the beginning…nothing's easy. I can't act fine for now, but I will be fine. I only hope I don't have to do this alone. 

Hope it helps, even a little (:

To the one I don't know how to help…

At this moment, I wish I could be there to hear you out and give you a hug but I'm 10hours bus ride away. Although I really really want to know what made you so moody, I won't pester you to tell me. But know that no matter what happens or what it is that's bothering you now, you can always talk to me; I'll always be here, ready to listen. 

I'm bad in cheering people up. I do hope this could at least make you feel slightly better. You know you don't have to keep everything to yourself, you have me :D 

My adorable pup, don't let negative things get in your way. You can be moody for awhile, but shake it off after that, okay? 

P/s; I look stupid, but I allow you to laugh at it. If it makes you at least smile, I don't mind. CHEER UP! I love youuuu. 

Another p/s; taken some time ago. Hehe. 

22 days

The time now is 4:01am. I'm still wide awake even though my body is screaming in exhaustion from the lack of rest and too much walking. Reason? My mind is replaying the moments I spent with him, from the day I asked him out for a movie till yesterday, when he kissed me on my forehead, and hold me like how I want him too. I like how he's taking things slow, although I know mostly it's because he's shy. 

I still feel new to this whole thing; I've never been kissed on my forehead by a guy, and I've never had someone feeling reluctant to let me leave aside from my family. Honestly, I didn't want to leave as well. If I could spend my whole night with him even if there is nothing to do, I would. I'm already missing him so I wonder how I'm going to survive for two weeks without seeing him. Distance makes the heart grows fonder, they say. I couldn't agree more. 

Right now, I don't really want to know how's my future with him, or if I have the chance to share it with him. I only know that I want to savor and cherish the moments that we have now. I want to remember every single thing we did and the places we went. I'm still learning to love, and I hope I can love him better as time passes. 

"Her"

She silently asks, "Dear God, if there's one thing that I could ask for, can I ask for you to erase my memory and allow me to start all over? Even if it means forgetting the people I love most…"

She doesn't mean to hurt anybody, she has no intentions to do so. Sometimes, she's just a little careless in doing things. But after all, she's still an adolescent, she's still learning her responsibilities. Deep inside, she's deprived of something; family unity, I suppose. No, her childhood was both pleasant and bitter at the same time. She had a loving dad who'd buy her toys and things, loving parents whom not only loved her but loved each other. But there were things that scarred her childhood; things a 5-year-old should not ever witness, things that make her fearful of her future and caused her insecurity and from then on, she built a barrier around herself. As time goes by, the barrier grows and she trusts less in people. She keeps things within herself because others would not understand. 

She tried to stay positive, she's still trying. She believes in God, but she's slowly fading. How long can she keep herself sane? How long can she hold herself together? Will there be an end to all these things that are happening around her? Can she do anything? She's on the verge of giving up…but she has too much to leave behind…

Trust vs Mistrust?

"If you had lost trust in everyone, how would you find it back?" 

That's a question I constantly ask myself. I find it hard to trust people; I judge easily, I try to tear people's masks away to see if they're trustworthy, even if it means hurting them. It's selfish, but it's what I do to protect myself. It's thou I'm living in a shell, one that has hidden spikes all over and when someone decides to come near, I'll have to analyze that person so that I know if I should hurt that person to protect myself or to hurt myself but protect that person. Tricky, eh?

What I mean is, if that person I think is not trustworthy, I'll shunt him off. But if I find him trustworthy, I'll open up to him which in return exposing myself, being vulnerable to him. It sounds complicated, but I've had too much to risk myself getting hurt again. It's the past that moulds us, they say. I couldn't agree more. 

I've opened up to yet another person. Well, just a second one. He's a comfortable person to talk to and that's why I chose to let him in. But knowing my own weakness, I have to keep my distance. I can't cling on too much or I'll fall deeper and become even more vulnerable to him than I am now. The strangest thing is that I see a lot of myself in him; how he takes others' view so seriously, the way he thinks and how sensitive he is and the way he protects himself. Although I want someone to come along and rip all my masks away then protect me from any harm, I have the urge to do that to him. I want to expose him, not to hurt him but to love him. 

The thing is…I'm refusing to let go of this barrier I've built around me. It's hard when you have to learn how to trust people, in the meanwhile protecting yourself and not harming that person. 

I myself find it confusing…