To me. . .

"When I tell 'I Love You', I meant it. When I tell you 'I Love You', to me its just not merely friends. When I tell you that I love you, I want you to know that I really do. Those three words are not just words to me, they're what I've been doing to you, what I'm doing right now and what I will be doing in the future. You may not know that I do, but its ok because I can be your guardian angel. I will love you from a distance you wouldn't find out. I'll always be there with my arms wide open to catch you when you fall. Your place in my heart is irreplaceable; no other man can replace you. So many years I've waited and till now, I'm still not the one you choose. I don't mind as long as you're happy with whoever you choose. I just want you to know that I'll still be loving you no matter what. I'd do whatever it takes to keep you with me, even if it means not having a relationship with you. If we have to remain friends just so I wouldn't lose you, I'd do just that. You don't have to know how much I love you, just remember that I'll always be here when you need me. I know when I tell you that I love you, you see it as what a friend says to another friend. 

To me. . .I really really really do love you"

When you fall, what would you do?

Human tends to give up when we're faced with obstacles, failures or challenges in anything we do. We tend to want to run away from every problem that we're facing because sometimes, we just feel so tired trying to accept things and solve problems.

Exactly how I'm feeling right now, if not most of the time.

I know when we fall, we have to get up, endure the pain and continue doing what we're doing BUT learning from the fall we had. Nobody is perfect, they say. Hence its okay for us to have mistakes once in a while in the things that we do. I don't want to use that as an excuse for the mistakes I've did because I know I can do better and now I have no one else to blame but myself. I cannot accept the fact of what I did and this will probably scar me for the rest of my life. If you ask me if I could forgive myself, no. Never. I hate disappointing people who put so much hope on us, on me. I'm sorry.

A friend of mine told me that I'll just have to accept my fall and laugh at it instead of dwelling in tears. Maybe, just maybe if I change the perception of my thinking I could feel less worse? I have so much more to learn from him. I know I have to be tough and bear in mind that the road ahead of me is still very long and winding and there will be so much more obstacles and failures I will have to face. I know very very well that I have to learn from this mistake I made but my mind just seem to be opposing me in every positive way I'm thinking. It makes me feel so so so tired till I just want to give in to my negative thoughts; thoughts that say I'm unforgivable, I should give up and things are not meant for me, thoughts of how to end everything. . .

I'm afraid I'll lose my mind one day. . .but I know someone is always watching me and without His strength, I wouldn't be sitting here today. I know I still have so much more to learn and I have to endure the long road ahead of me, but I also know that He will be with me. No matter how many suicidal thoughts come into mind, I'll always remember that my life belongs to God and only God alone; only He can take away my life for He was the one who gave it to me. I know that He's only throwing all these challenges at me because I'm strong, and He's testing my strength and will to carry on. Thank you Lord for giving me chances to learn. I will hold my head up and recover from my fall.

Everything comes and goes . . .

". . .memories are like bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces. . ."

I had a dream when I was having a nap. In my dream, I was in someone's arms and he planted a soft kiss on my forehead before he disappeared. That feeling is so surreal till I can still recall it even now.

Memories are a part of us; they'll never disappear, they'll never leave us. Some are bitter while some are sweet. Something brought me back to the time when I was with him. It led me to our old messages and wall posts on Facebook and I was wondering, why did I like this guy? A year, we've been together but in the end, I ended it. I know clearly why I did that but why didn't I give the both of us another chance to try and re-ignite that spark between us? And I thought maybe there's this someone who's place in my heart can never be replaced by anyone. . .no matter who I'm with, that someone will always be there.

Even though its been quite long, I remember every moment we had. At times, I really really question myself; why is my memory so good? Its agonizing especially when you remember so much from the past and sometimes you just re-live them in your dreams, in other ways. I don't mean to say that my past is really bad but they're bad enough to cause me anxiety. Most of us can't even remember moments that we had with someone, but I remember even some words that we've said to each other. I remember having to explain to him why. . .

I don't know if anybody wishes to have a memory power like mine, but sometimes I wish I could just erase most of them. Its as though I wanna refresh my memory and start again, new. I don't want all these experiences, painful experiences and I just want to try to start new. When you've experienced enough on certain matters, you'll question yourself even more in the same matter or worse still, you'll try to run away from it. As much as I want someone to hold me like what happened in my dream, I don't want to get hurt or experience the pain of having someone leaving me.

Adaptation & the Psychology of Pain

I remember I once blogged about how Psychology is interesting and it gets me thinking, or did I? Anyway, the previous class got me thinking again; Adaptation and the Psychology of Pain.

Adaptation - an adjustment in sensory capacity after prolonged exposure to unchanging stimuli (Introduction to Psychology, Mcgraw Hill)

We always talk about being adapted to a new environment and things like that but so far, nobody I know has ever talked to me about being adapted to sex. No I'm not a pervert; the thought just popped up in my mind during class. Lets say you're constantly inflicting pain on a part of your body and the more times you do it, the less pain you feel, right? Isn't it the same for sexual intercourse? You do it everyday, you get adapted to the pleasure. No? I'm not sure how addictive sex is but still, won't a couple get adapted to it and not feel the pleasure as they felt for the first time? I asked my friend this and she answered me "That's why they must spice things up mah". True I suppose.

Is that why there are so many sex positions? LOL. And all the sex toys. Woah okay.

Now the Psychology of Pain; is pain a sensation or a perception? Its both actually. Some people say its only a sensation because when you're injured, of course you feel pain. But its also a perception because, to me its how that person thinks of the level of pain that he/she is feeling. Like me, if I get a cut and I change my own perception saying that "its just a small cut nothing big", I won't feel the pain much. Or in another way that my lecturer explained to us; a person doesn't feel much pain to his/her injury because he/she thinks that getting injured is worth it as long as they can achieve their goal. See, its all about perception! So when you have a wound or anything, just don't think about the pain. Now I know why doctors/nurses try to distract their patients when they're cleaning the wounds...hehe.