Trust vs Mistrust?

"If you had lost trust in everyone, how would you find it back?" 

That's a question I constantly ask myself. I find it hard to trust people; I judge easily, I try to tear people's masks away to see if they're trustworthy, even if it means hurting them. It's selfish, but it's what I do to protect myself. It's thou I'm living in a shell, one that has hidden spikes all over and when someone decides to come near, I'll have to analyze that person so that I know if I should hurt that person to protect myself or to hurt myself but protect that person. Tricky, eh?

What I mean is, if that person I think is not trustworthy, I'll shunt him off. But if I find him trustworthy, I'll open up to him which in return exposing myself, being vulnerable to him. It sounds complicated, but I've had too much to risk myself getting hurt again. It's the past that moulds us, they say. I couldn't agree more. 

I've opened up to yet another person. Well, just a second one. He's a comfortable person to talk to and that's why I chose to let him in. But knowing my own weakness, I have to keep my distance. I can't cling on too much or I'll fall deeper and become even more vulnerable to him than I am now. The strangest thing is that I see a lot of myself in him; how he takes others' view so seriously, the way he thinks and how sensitive he is and the way he protects himself. Although I want someone to come along and rip all my masks away then protect me from any harm, I have the urge to do that to him. I want to expose him, not to hurt him but to love him. 

The thing is…I'm refusing to let go of this barrier I've built around me. It's hard when you have to learn how to trust people, in the meanwhile protecting yourself and not harming that person. 

I myself find it confusing…

Dreams to sell?

"If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?" - Thomas Lovell Beddoes 

If there were dreams to sell, I'd buy those I desire; a happy home, happy world, a good man to love and a good man who loves me, a successful career, an easy life and many more. But dreams are only dreams until we turn them into reality. 

However, there are dreams I'd never want them to be real. I had one of the weirdest dreams yesterday night; I was stuck in a castle! The castle was so huge and it was like a maze in there. I did not know where I was, probably in a dungeon because there were chains and metal bars and that place was dark. I was in there, trying to find my way out and I was hoping someone would come. Nobody did, it was like a deserted castle. 

They often say dreams have their own meanings. I guess the dream I had was probably trying to tell me that I am stuck with some things in life. Some problems maybe, I don't know. All I know is that I have to find my way out because I don't want to die stuck there. 

There was another dream I had some time ago and I swear it had me waking up in the middle of the night. I was chased by a truck! No, the story didn't end there; it was a truck with only it's 'head' and nobody was driving it! I was running and running but it kept on chasing me. It failed to get me though, because I fell off a cliff and that was when I jolted awake. I was in fear because that dream felt so real but something even weirder happened after I was awake. I let myself slowly drift off to sleep but the image of the truck was still in my mind and that was when I heard a soft, soothing voice telling me to go back to sleep and everything was alright. Upon hearing that, I fell right asleep. WEIRD, HUH? 

No, I'm not making all these up but it's up to you to believe or not. Everybody has weird things happening in their life. Mine are just those dreams. :) People always say that we wouldn't remember what we dreamed but there are dreams I remember even when they occurred during my childhood. Memory issue, eh? 

Anyways, those are the dreams I wouldn't buy and I certainly do not want to relive them. Well, another piece of me revealed today! :) 

Foolish foolish and FOOLISH

At some point of my life, I wish I hadn't gone through so much; experiences from so many things like family, BGR, studies, etc. I wish I didn't make those decisions that I made or that I didn't choose the options that I chose. Some things I did, they are foolish. At the same time, they are good lessons to me but most of the time, they are nothing but painful memories. Sad to say, all these will stay forever in my life and remind me of the things I did and the things I went through.

What brings me to this post?

I started reading a story on Wattpad entitled 'Second Chance Romance' and I just read the most frustrating part of Chapter 8. From the very first kissed Jade shared with Olly, I was already thinking "Dammit you're making the wrong decision, woman!" and now she tells Olly that she is falling for him when her heart is really still with Austin. This part frustrates me because I've been through it; I know my heart is occupied but to help me move on(selfishly), I chose to hurt another person. I honestly wish Jade could just suppressed her NEEDS and leave poor Olly alone just like how I wish I had put aside my needs to be loved and held instead of hurting a poor fellow.

Experiences are good, but to me, if one experienced too much on the same matter, he/she will somehow lose confidence in that matter. Like love; you fail once, twice, thrice and so on, be it you get hurt or you hurt others, you will start to question yourself; "Do I really really really like this guy? What if I hurt him? I don't want to hurt him". This is actually how I'm feeling right now. I doubt I'll ever settle in a stable relationship. Ha Ha Ha! Maybe someone is still occupying that space in my heart or maybe I just don't have confidence in myself for truly loving another person. After all, I still have a long road ahead so I guess I should just dump this aside and focus on studies then focus on work. Yes, I'll probably become a workaholic.

Another small piece of my thought and my past revealed today. (;

I've witness a little more. . .

". . .to have a long life is one thing, but the quality of life is also one, which is more important. . ."

I admit I was eavesdropping a little bit but when he said that, I was in total agreement and I was like "hmmm. . .he knows what to think and what to say". The 'he' I've been mentioning is a doctor, a young house officer(HO).

My three weeks of attachment at Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) has opened my eyes to quite a number of things. One of them is that young, hot and handsome doctors do exist. Okay you can ignore that but its true. The HOs there are really good looking and even a few MOs(medical officer) and I swear they're really distracting. *blushes* C'mon, who wouldn't be attracted to them? They're like doctors  which means they're smart and they're really good looking. I was particularly attracted to one of the HOs but he was there only during my first week because they changed the team of doctors. :( Anyway, that's not really the main point of my whole attachment.

After working for 3 weeks in a hospital, I realised that I should be counting my blessings and be thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful life; that I'm not the one in a hospital bed, or any of my family members, thankful that none of us are suffering like some of the patients are. We will never NEVER know the pain they are going through, both the patient and the patient's family members. When it comes to nursing, people will think "Eeeeeuw you have to change diapers and wipe butts" this and that bla bla bla, its true that we do change diapers and wipe butts. I did doubt whether I could do that but surprisingly, I was happy that I could help my patients. I honestly don't mind serving them and when they say "Thank you", I know that they appreciate our help. They are actually really nice people; sometimes when we serve them their meals, they'll ask us if we had eaten and some even offer us food. They will also ask what time we work until and how are we coping with our attachment and studies. The patients know that we are students and we are slow in doing things but they did not complain yet some of them even guided us by giving us valuable advice. So you see, this is somehow a mutual thing - we care for them, they care for us. =)

This is actually what motivates me to go to work everyday for my 3 weeks(except the fact that I get to see handsome doctors). Being able to make them feel comfortable makes me happy. But at times when I see patients suffering, I feel sad for them. I remember telling my teacher how I feel about seriously ill patients. I told her that sometimes when I see them, I feel that its better for them to 'leave' because that way, they won't suffer anymore and like what the doctor said, the quality of life is important. But at the same time, it will also be hard for the family members to let go. And this is actually something we have to learn in life as well because one day, we will have to let someone go too. I hope that day will never come, but if it does, I'll probably have to courage to do so. As for now, I'm content with my life and I'm thankful that I've been given a chance to help others. If I could, I wish to fulfil my dream to be a doctor one day, so I could do more.

Anyway, here's a photo of the ten of us! :D Team Ward9C!

When they truly see who you are. . .

They say. . .no matter how many good things you've done, one mistake will bring you down from most people's eyes. *note that I typed MOST*

Even though I agree with it, people who truly see who you are will look pass your mistakes and help you to get up from where you fell. They will not judge you or label you but they will advise you. Those are the people who really love you and want the best for you and they will do their best to help you in achieving your dreams or goals; and those people are your family, true friends and in my case, teachers.

I'm grateful to have such people in my life. They forgave me for the mistakes I made when I couldn't even forgive myself. I'm happy because they see the potential in me to grow and gain experience and they have hopes in me. Unfortunately, that's also a thing that stresses me the most because I know that I will disappoint them if I fail in anything;disappointing them breaks my heart even more than my own failure. Nonetheless, I'm happy and blessed to have such people around me to keep me going on. (: