When it feels like I hate everything. . .

When it comes to choosing between home and work/study, what would be your decision?

I hate that I cried, why can't I be stronger? I hate myself for making mistakes. I hate that I can't be a person who can leave her work behind, even unsettled problems, and just go straight home. I hate that there's nobody here to listen. I hate that the one closest to me did not offer a solution instead making me feel worse. I hate everything right now. I hate myself for being so weak. Oh and, I hate passwords and pins as well. 

Its a decision I have to make and I very well know what it is but I refuse to accept the decision made. But right now, it seems to be the best solution if I stay. Then I'll just rot here, or I could go back to campus every morning/evening and work the shit out of myself; exhaust myself, push myself so I don't feel anything else but the exhaustion. Yes, sounds like a good idea.

Way to go, Charlotte. I don't know if you're a strong girl, or you're just a stupid careless child. Bravo. 

Unknown Me, Denying

....well, now known

I realised there are things about myself that I refuse to believe that they are there, that they exist and are part of me; my thoughts, my subconscious self. . . . .

Studying Psychology allows me to actually know myself better and in Psychology, under Personality we have the Id, Ego and Superego. . Id is the "pleasure self" where its sole purpose is to reduce tension, or to seek pleasure especially sexual pleasures, aggression and irrational impulses. On the other hand, the Superego is known as the "conscience self" where it represents the rights and wrongs of society. It is the Superego that allows us to see and know what is right and wrong but is often opposed by the Id self. Hence, I call them the Devil & Angel. (definitions taken from a Psych book)
Recently, my Id self and Superego self have been 'debating' quite often. Yes, those are the voices in our head. I know that these voices are all in me but I'm confused that whether am I talking to myself, or really, the voices are just there. This is one of the things I deny in myself; the unknown voices.

Then of course, I have my own thoughts which can go 'haywire' sometimes. And by 'haywire' I mean, they turn into ugly, bad and negative thoughts. For example, I dislike someone & that person crosses my line, my thoughts of her will turn all negative. I try and I'm still trying my best to resist and defy that because its really really bad. Its like, when I'm mad or is provoked, somebody else takes over my thoughts and sometimes, my actions and I'm trapped inside. Maybe that's my very own Devil, and I refuse to let it show its face. I also know that I can switch from one side to another really fast; I can be really nice & persuasive towards you and if you refuse to take my offer, that's the last you'll hear from me. Bad, isn't it?

And today, I've realised that maybe, just maybe I have this 'dominant' trait in me. No, not the Christian Grey dominant but the one in control, the leader. Although most of the time, given the opportunity to lead, I refused. I can lead, and I can make people listen but most of the time, I just doubt my own ability. I was taken by surprised that he's actually afraid or rather intimidated by me. Am I that scary? I mean, he's much bigger and taller than me and he could just take me there but from what I saw today, he seems to be intimidated by me. I don't know if its the aura around me or just the way I work. Truth is. . . .I don't want him to feel that way.

I'm just so so so confused with myself at this point...since when am I not confused by myself? I've so many things, thoughts and feelings in me that I just couldn't seem to sort them out. I've fears that are sometimes very irrelevant. If I could just bury them somewhere deep down....that'd be good.

Little things about me . . .

Hi. I figured its time I start putting my tweets into blog posts. I've already exceeded 44k tweets (:

So, to start off with this post, I'd like to say that I'm more of an introvert. I prefer reading books over partying, that's of course if I'm going to a party with close friends. Yes, I hate being alone as a matter of fact. When I'm alone in public, I need to have something to do. I sometimes feel awkward around people that I do not know - strangers. Lets just say, I feel insecure, especially around older guys. Maybe that's the reason why I don't flash a smile to strangers(guys) and try to make myself look inapproachable. Please note that I don't do this to every guy, just SOME, if not MOST. And, I also try my best to avoid having any physical contact with 'strangers' or guys I barely know, even in a cramped bus. You may say I have issues with guys but can't blame my insecurities.
Apart from those, I prefer to be in a small group of close friends than being in a large group, where again I sometimes feel uncomfortable. I like to be known, but not famous. Call me complicated, I don't mind because I think that's what I am. Hmmm...introvert. I think the extrovert side actually lives in me but I'm just more to the introvert side. Its very very weird. isn't it?

I'm also actually a 'physical' person; I like to exercise and play some sports ONLY if I have companies. Yea, I'd prefer to have someone to jog with me rather than to jog alone, even if I have my iPod with me. It motivates me even more and its good to have some companies to keep you entertain. On the other hand, I can also sit facing my laptop for the whole day, mainly just gaming. I know its unhealthy, but I admit I'm a gamer myself and yes, I'm a girl. Girls don't only do makeup, well maybe girls like me and I definitely would choose gaming over makeup. Don't get me wrong, my girly and feminine side are still in me but it it doesn't mean that I can't have that boyish side.

If you were to ask me what interests me the most, I'd tell you that 'THINKING' actually interests me the most. You must be thinking that I'm crazy because 'thinking' requires quite an amount of energy and it drains our brain juices. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I love to read; some books just can pull me into this deep thinking, which I like. In example, the current book I'm reading, Fifty Shades of Grey actually makes me put on my thinking cap. Please don't think that I'm those pervertish type (if such word exists) just because I'm reading it. I personally think its an interesting book and it surprised me that the story actually goes like that; Grey being the Dominant and Steele being the Submissive. I've never thought it'd turned out to be like this, that's why it interests me and pulls me into finishing the book. As I've mentioned earlier, this book makes me think of how someone can actually turn into a person like Christian Grey. If you see it through some psychology theories, it may be due to his childhood experience that has moulded him into the person he is now. If I were to go through his experiences, would I end up being like him? And are there any ways that can erase the person that he is now? One more thing, how can one get aroused by feeling pain? To me, pain is pain and I do not like the feeling of pain. I will NEVER understand people who gets pleasure out of pain. To me, they're SADISTS.

Okay, from me to the issue of Christian Grey; seems a little bit out of topic. I guess that's all (:

'....my emotions and feelings are what I do not trust the most because sometimes, they sell me out...'

What would you do?

I don't know how many times I've erased the words I typed, but I can't seem to channel my feelings through words right now.


When the voices in your head tell you to give up
Would you listen, or would you go on? 
When you feel so powerless and tired, 
What would you do? 
When there's no one around to hold you when you cry,
When everything you built decides to tumble upon you,
Can you stand on your ground and defend yourself? 

What would you do when your feelings decide to take the wrong turn? 
Do you fight for that someone whom your heart desires?
Or do you choose to ignore that growing feeling? 
Would you still fight for him when you know its wrong? 
Or would you stand back and love him secretly?

When laughter turns to sorrow
When smiles turn to tears
When the sun stops shining and rain pours
Remember that none are permanent
Sorrow will turn to joy
Someone will come along and wipe your tears away
And the rainbow appears after it rains 
Because that's just how life is. . . . .nothing stays the same

'I'm still ALIVE, and I'm learning. . . . .'

One of the things I've learned so far in Nursing is to always be mindful. She never fails to mention that every time during our lab lesson. Most of us are not mindful at all; we don't care about others, we only care for ourselves. When someone is in need of help, we don't have to wait for them to ask. We ask them, because some people they have problem asking for help. I was disappointed with myself because I lost that'mindful' thought for a moment. How could I? They taught us that in school, I did that in school but how could I have forgotten? As for now, I'll have to keep that in mind because I aim to be an excellent nurse and being mindful is definitely one of the biggest things that nurses should have.

Every skills class we learn different things; measuring BP, moving a patient from a bed to a wheelchair, feeding, transferring and so on. Trust me, these things are never easy to be done and they require skills and knowledge as well as common sense. So tell me, why is NURSING considered as a low-skilled job? We have so much to learn, so much to remember and nurses have to be great in multi-tasking. In a ward, we don't only care for one single patient, we care for the rest as well. Some people see nursing as a dirty job as well. Why? Because we have to clean patients' wastes and clean their body? If there are no nurses, who is going to take care of your elderly, your old folks? Are you going to wipe their butt or assist them when they need to go to the washroom? Are you going to feed them? It takes a whole lot courage to be a nurse and I've chosen my way. All I can ask for is the Lord's blessing for me to continue the course because this is what I really want.

As for today's skills lesson, one of us in the group had to be blindfolded and fed with food. I was the one who were blindfolded. Trust me, that feeling of seeing nothing but pitch black, is scary. Its as though you have lost trust in everything, everyone and you're much more vulnerable to your surroundings. I personally do not like the feeling of being blindfolded. This is how we learn how patients with disabilities feel. It is never easy for them when they cannot hear, cannot see or cannot talk. Hence, we have to build that TRUST between us and the patients and I believe its never an easy thing to do.

I'm not sure about the rest but this lesson actually made me realised even more of how lucky I am; I have no disabilities but I have flaws. All I'm saying is that, it teaches me more than how to be a good nurse. It shapes me as a human as well, it makes me realise that I should be thankful that I'm not the one on the hospital bed.

Life goes on. . .as long as we are alive, we should thank God because He gave us another day to live.