Unknown Me, Denying

....well, now known

I realised there are things about myself that I refuse to believe that they are there, that they exist and are part of me; my thoughts, my subconscious self. . . . .

Studying Psychology allows me to actually know myself better and in Psychology, under Personality we have the Id, Ego and Superego. . Id is the "pleasure self" where its sole purpose is to reduce tension, or to seek pleasure especially sexual pleasures, aggression and irrational impulses. On the other hand, the Superego is known as the "conscience self" where it represents the rights and wrongs of society. It is the Superego that allows us to see and know what is right and wrong but is often opposed by the Id self. Hence, I call them the Devil & Angel. (definitions taken from a Psych book)
Recently, my Id self and Superego self have been 'debating' quite often. Yes, those are the voices in our head. I know that these voices are all in me but I'm confused that whether am I talking to myself, or really, the voices are just there. This is one of the things I deny in myself; the unknown voices.

Then of course, I have my own thoughts which can go 'haywire' sometimes. And by 'haywire' I mean, they turn into ugly, bad and negative thoughts. For example, I dislike someone & that person crosses my line, my thoughts of her will turn all negative. I try and I'm still trying my best to resist and defy that because its really really bad. Its like, when I'm mad or is provoked, somebody else takes over my thoughts and sometimes, my actions and I'm trapped inside. Maybe that's my very own Devil, and I refuse to let it show its face. I also know that I can switch from one side to another really fast; I can be really nice & persuasive towards you and if you refuse to take my offer, that's the last you'll hear from me. Bad, isn't it?

And today, I've realised that maybe, just maybe I have this 'dominant' trait in me. No, not the Christian Grey dominant but the one in control, the leader. Although most of the time, given the opportunity to lead, I refused. I can lead, and I can make people listen but most of the time, I just doubt my own ability. I was taken by surprised that he's actually afraid or rather intimidated by me. Am I that scary? I mean, he's much bigger and taller than me and he could just take me there but from what I saw today, he seems to be intimidated by me. I don't know if its the aura around me or just the way I work. Truth is. . . .I don't want him to feel that way.

I'm just so so so confused with myself at this point...since when am I not confused by myself? I've so many things, thoughts and feelings in me that I just couldn't seem to sort them out. I've fears that are sometimes very irrelevant. If I could just bury them somewhere deep down....that'd be good.