What happens when a chapter ends?

Last Thursday, 25th February, I spent my last morning shift in NTFGH Ward B11, a General Medicine and Geriatric discipline ward. I have spent my last 3 months as a nursing student there, struggling to adapt and to learn. Lucky enough for me, I managed to pick up rather quick, by the end of third week I was ready to have at least three patients under my care, of course with the help of the staff nurse in charge.

It became a daily routine; shuffling through the tiring shifts, waking up at five in the morning for AM shift, having a light breakfast in the staffs' room before going in for work. I have learned to have at least a cup of Milo before going into morning shift, because during my third or fourth week, I worked throughout the whole shift and only managed to have my lunch AFTER shift. I was quite proud with myself, to be honest. I still dreaded the short transition that we have when we go from PM shift to AM shift.Our PM or afternoon shift starts at 1pm, and ends at 9.30pm but of course, everybody goes home after 9.30pm. If you stay near the hospital, lucky for you but if you stay a little further, that's too bad as it would mean that you only have four to five hours of sleep and then there you go, finding yourself getting ready to return to the ward you left just seven to eight hours ago. It was only for 3 months, or 12 weeks yet I hated the shift work when I still have ten years down this road.

Going into the beginning of the past 12 weeks, I was terrified, nervous and all the stories told by our lecturers of how students failed when they were towards their end PRCP made it all worse. I was hoping that my assigned preceptor would be a great one and that the staffs in the ward would be friendly. I think I had a rough start with some of them, I'm not really the social type. As weeks went by, I started getting closer to some of them and we would talk about other things instead of just work. I had a change of preceptor as well, not that the previous one was not good but obviously I liked the later one more. A good preceptor - preceptee relationship was really important as it may affect how well I can perform.

Hours went by, weeks went by; day by day I was getting more and more familiar with the workflow. I was proficient (I dare say) in serving medications. Towards the end of week five and starting of week six, I was taking all six patients under my care with the guide of the staff nurse. Initially, I struggled because six patients would mean dozens of different orders, and tons of different medications. I gave my best in trying to remember the orders I would need to complete by the end of my shift. It was at that point where I was under tremendous stress and was at the point of breaking down. I felt that I was so close to the edge of the hill and I was about to fall off and die. It was also then that I realised why some nurses and doctors are so tasks-oriented because the workload is simply just too heavy. However, I refused to give in. I chose this path (though initially I wanted to study medicine) , and I chose this because I wanted to help those in need, to learn more about medicine and diseases. So in the midst of all the demanding tasks, I tried to give my best care to patients, by answering to their demands promptly, showering them with care and patience instead of rushing through, feeding them slowly. I guess I did it, because in between those weeks, I received my first ever official compliment from a patient's family member. It was a huge boost to my confidence, and it definitely helped pushed me through the second half of my internship.

Another few weeks went by, and I found myself making phone calls to doctors/labs/family members on my own, and receiving cases by myself. I received three transferred patients on my own during one of my afternoon shifts, something I would have not imagined myself to be capable of so soon. I was proud of myself.

 Then came the graveyard shift which probably was every student's nightmare. Being in a geriatric ward, I prepared myself to babysit my patients throughout the night. Thankfully, all my three nights went by peacefully. I even had time to sleepily make my way to the staffs' room and catch a thirty minutes nap. Long before we even get to do this graveyard shift, we were scared mostly because of the 'strange encounters' we heard from our seniors and lecturers. Unexpectedly, those did not even cross my mind at all. I was glad though. 

(photo via Facebook)

This is 99.9% the truth when you're in a geriatric ward, no joke. 

I felt responsibilities getting heavier on my shoulders as I continued my final journey as a student. I felt that I ought to get everything completed even if it means extra half an hour of work. 

Somewhere in week eight or nine, I had a patient whom suddenly went into a comatose state, probably because of his diagnosis. I did not know why but I was devastated; he was fine the day before. I was serving medications that morning and I had thought that he was still asleep but when my staff went to wake him up later on, she could not despite numerous times of calling. The patient did not even respond when she inflicted pain on him (one of the ways to check for consciousness). I had been caring for this patient for days; what happened was sort of expected but it came so sudden. I was sad, and one could only imagine how his family members felt.

Another of my first encounter, I was on morning shift the day when my patient deteriorated rapidly but thankfully, not coded. He came in for shortness of breath (SOB), but he was not on any oxygen. That morning he was fine, he was taking his medicine, he was eating his breakfast (full share). His morning vitals were great, saturation within satisfactory range. When his physiotherapist went to asses him later that morning, she took his vitals and informed me that his blood pressure was really high. So after five to ten minutes or so, I went to re-check on his vitals. He was still responding verbally to me, but I could clearly see that he was struggling to breath and his lips were turning purple (a sign of oxygen deprivation in the body). True enough, his saturation was only 70% which was really low (normal range would be >95%). And his blood pressure was really low as well, despite trying to re-take a few times. His pulse was so weak that I could not even feel it. If my staff guiding me was not there, I would have panicked. Thankfully after fluid resuscitation, and putting him on a non-rebreather mask, his condition stabilised after awhile. No words could describe the joy in me when I saw him so well a few days after that incident.
When I revisited that incident, I thought what if I did not re-check his vitals? What if I had forgot to do so or what if I waited longer? He would have died. I can only thank God for guiding me.

Honestly, I could go on with the things that I have encountered/experienced during my three months but that would be too much. I love and I hate this profession.
We are nurses, but we are also part-time babysitter, part-time cleaner, part-time translator but above all that, we are the ones who probably sometimes care most for our patients. Our patients can sometimes be mean, or their family members, but nothing beats that joy in our heart when we see our patients get discharged home healthily, or at least better. At least to me, I feel happy when I see my patient gets discharged.

I have finally completed my diploma, which means another phase in life is over. While I'm excited to start a new chapter, I'm also wondering what else that I wish to do. In a few more months, I'm going to be a 'staff nurse' or a 'registered nurse'; I pray to God that He will guide me, and give me the strength (physically and mentally) and also patience to be a great nurse.

Two amazing SN who really guided us throughout, missing them already! And two other great students. 

Only she knows

Tears threatened to burst from her eyes, like an open dam. She held them back by biting her lips, so hard that she could taste that familiar iron taste; blood. Mentally, she reminded herself not to let those tears fall. She's not that weak, her heart could withstand any pain; it wasn't made of flesh, it was made of steel. Hence, she did not cry but she walked on like she's fine. 

She gave up trying to express herself because nobody would understand, they don't give a fuck about how she feels. In their eyes, she's nothing but someone who has been disrespectful, someone who's caused trouble and someone who has no sense of forgiveness. She's done, she's a wrecked child, both inside out. 

What happens if they see this? Oh, they would only think she's a drama queen, she's out of her fucking mind. No, she doesn't care; this is for herself.  

They don't know what she had done to herself, all those time after each fight among themselves. Instead of erasing the emotional pain, she turned it into physical pain. No, she doesn't want to let them know because she could still use it as a way to breath, even though she has long escaped from it. Falling from one black hole to another, she wonders when she'll be free, really free. 

It's not much that she's asking for; she just wants them to understand. But to understand would be very very difficult, when she's at fault most of the time. She wonders if they had pour everything out onto a table, would there still be today? 

She couldn't hold everything in anymore, she needed to move on. But now, she's stuck in another black hole where she couldn't move, at all. No matter how hard she screams for help, nobody hears. It's a silent plea, only she knows. 

01/12

Hi my love ❤️ It's the 1st of December 2014 already. One year passed by so fast. I still remember how it felt like when you asked me to be with you a year ago. I was really really happy and excited back then, because you finally asked. Those feelings of when we were just together are different from now; nervousness, shy, not yet so comfortable with each other but now we're so comfortable we even fart around each other. 😁🙈 I love the time we spent together when we were just friends, how you always keep me suspended about your stories and how we waited for each other every day to go leveling together in Cabal. 

You asked if I wanted to meet up with you, I'm really glad I agreed to it because if I didn't, there wouldn't be 'us' today. I swear I was really nervous that day; nervous about your first impression of me and if we will have anything to talk about. Surprisingly, we clicked quite well and we just talked and laughed. You were such a gentleman to have paid for our lunch and even took the same train with me, even though you could've went for the shorter route to go home. From that day onwards , we grew closer to each other, as friends, up until when I asked you out for a movie. On that night itself, you confessed that you were growing fond of me 🙈. Honestly, I liked your choice of words. I'm not sure if you were just too shy to pop the question, or if you just wanted to wait till 1st Dec but, thank you having the courage. 

I wouldn't forget our first date. I wish we had taken a photo together but I guess both of us were too shy. I had butterflies flying in my stomach that night. The moment you offered to hold my hand, I was beyond happy. You held it tight, so tight that from then on, I knew you wouldn't let me go. I guess I was really overwhelmed that I even boarded the wrong train home. 😅 

Our fourth date was to celebrate our 1 month and you brought me to Clarke Quay. Your plan was to bring me to dinner and then have a stroll there, since it's quite a beautiful place but it rained so heavily that we had to change our plan. So, we went to watch Paranormal Activity at The Cathay instead. After that, I thought we were going home as it was pretty late but you took me for a walk. We sat down, near the 'istana' place at DG; we talked, you had your arms around me, then you told me to close my eyes and that was when you gave me the necklace. That night was also when you first kissed me, on my lips. ❤️😚 Besides this, I loved it most at the time when you turned me around and kissed my forehead before I we went off. 

We have so many memories that I can't list them all down here. I'm thankful and blessed to have you, as the one who loves me, and will love me. You have been taking good care of me, making sure I eat and not fall sick. Not all of our memories shared together are joyful ones but I guess they made us stronger, and more attached to each other. Thank you for staying and being there for me, thank you for the surprises you gave. Thank you for loving me, and for everything else. 

I love you, Lim Wei Rong. 😚 Happy one year anniversary. ❤️❤️❤️ 

For you…

I'm going to maybe just dedicate this post to a special someone who holds a special position in my heart, one that no one else can replace. 

For the past few days, I have been down with gastroenteritis(inflammation/infection of the guts due to virus/bacteria) and I haven't fully recover yet at the moment but I am much better compared to previous days. If it wasn't for you and your parents, I wouldn't have recovered. Most of the time I'm alone at home and I have nobody to look after me but I have you now, and I'm very very thankful for that. 

You shower me with love and care all the time, even more when I'm sick. When my cough didn't recover and I had to go for an X-ray, you accompanied me. You went to the doctor with me, because I didn't want to go alone. This time, you had me stay over at your place just so you can look after me. Trust me, I really wish I could stay with you because your presence makes me feel safe and not alone. You made milo for me, prepared medicine, get water, and rub oilment on my tummy for me and when I threw up, you were there trying to comfort me. All these make me feel deeply loved by you.  

You pamper me most of the time, if not all the time. I wanted you here on my birthday and spend the day with me, you did despite it being Father's Day as well. I like it when you come over unannounced, like the last time you came with unagi and a bottle of sparkling and then cooked dinner while I was sleeping like a log. I like going to sleep while hugging you, and waking up next to you. It makes the day better, brighter. I love it most when you make me feel like I'm a baby. 

It's your turn to fall sick now and I wish I could look after you because it's probably my fault. I'm so sorry ;( It's making me worried about you, thinking who's going to do cold compress for you if your temperature goes high. Why can't I be there for you like how you did for me? Please recover fast. 

And my dear, I love you, so much. Thank you for everything :* 

Life lessons

The things that I have learnt in my 19 years of life;

1. Memories will always be a part of us
Sweet or bitter, when something occurs and the impact on us is strong, it will stay in our memory (possibly for life) unless we encounter any accident which wipes our memory clear. Often the memories that stay are the bitter ones, and sometimes they happen during our childhood. So there, a scarred childhood. But memories play an important part in our life; they remind us of the bad things that we do not want to repeat and also the sweet ones brighten our life. Memories are precious. The effect they have on us, is up to us to decide.

2. Nothing is perfect, nothing
Life, family, studies, relationships, work, etc. None of those are perfect, so are many other things. Family, it can be a happy one but problems will always stick around and if we can't handle those problems as a family (a whole) then it will slowly fall apart and the same problem will be brought up the next time another one hits. Studies? No, never perfect, at least not to me. And life? It can never be perfect because in life, that is where you have your family, studies and every other things. On the brighter side, its good that they are not perfect because only then we will have room for improvement, and also we get to learn from our mistakes.

3. Things don't always go your way
Yeah, you might have planned something out so 'perfectly' and waiting for it to happen and 'BOOM', plan ruined! Plans get ruined because sometimes, we can't foresee any obstacles and that is perfectly fine because what's life without surprises? You'll just have to take it and learn to improvise your plans and maybe make better, smarter ones next time.

4. Things are easier said than done
A very common example is New Year's resolutions. I mean, c'mon! How many of us do actually fulfill our resolutions? Maybe one or two, but never all. Most of the things, we say them easily but to actually do them, its hard. It does not have to be something big. It can be something as minor as telling a person you will be there early for a meeting or a date next time but then again, you are late. It is like making empty promises but we are not, we are just not doing the things that we said we will do.

5. Words are important
Words, words, words and words. Words are powerful, each word has their own meaning and at times, words can be hurtful. We have control over what we say but at times, our emotions take over and we lose that control. Words come speeding out when we are in anger and by the time we sit and reflect on what we said, its probably too late because those words, have already hurt someone and sometimes, it takes more than an apology to fix things. It takes time. On the other hand, words can be affirmative. They can be assuring and warming. I personally prefer to hear words of assurance especially from my loved ones. Something as simple as 'thank you for the things you've done' shows that we really appreciate what that person did for us. It does not even require a gift to show appreciation or love. Words, if we choose them carefully and rationally, they would be beautiful to hear, or read.

6. Backstabbers 
Backstabbers are. . .ugly. They are the ones who put on that mask that coax you into believing that they are fond of you and then the next moment, insulting you behind your back. They are the ones who will not help you when you are in trouble, but purposely make matters worse for you. We can't trust people completely, and when I say people, it includes our own family members. Scary, isn't it? The thought of not being able to even trust your own family, what more when it comes to trusting strangers.  Even your own family members can be backstabbers. This is one of the many signs of an unhealthy family. What I mean by this is that they don't bring problems to the table and solve them together, instead they talk about them to someone else. For example, person A in the family is unhappy about person B in the same family. Person A does not open up the problems and solve them, instead he/she complains to another person and pretends that everything is fine in front of person B. Others might perceive this differently, but to me, it is consider as backstabbing. Same goes to friends and colleagues and other people around us. Hence, do not give away your trust 100%.

These little things...

So many times in our life we allow little things to affect us and to ruin our days, yet so many times we remind ourselves not to let the same thing happen again. But how many times do we really do that? Or rather, how often CAN we not let these little things destroy us?

No, it is not an easy thing to do. In fact to me, its one of the hardest thing to do. How can you pretend that it does not hurt, it is not doing anything to you when honestly, its really doing all that. I guess I can put it in this way; someone isn't replying you but he's there and you think "Its ok that he's not replying. I don't care, its fine to me" but you check your phone again and again and then get yourself upset because its not fine to you. Uh-oh...I think I made it sound a little bit complicated, no? In another way to me, its like deceiving yourself into believing that these things do not affect you. (I don't even know what I'm trying to say now).

Sometimes I just could not get these little things off my mind although I know that I can choose to ignore them and not let them affect me. Most of the time, it does not only affect me. It affects the people around me; I tend to lose my temper or when I'm having a bad day, I vent it out on certain someone. Or I choose to ignore people, literally. (there's always one person whom I can't ignore, because I have soft spot for him). When these happen, I get upset at myself. There are reasons to why these little things affect me so much; sometimes its because I'm demanding for something and sometimes its because I don't feel the way that I should be feeling(I guess). I know its bad and I am trying to get rid of all these unnecessary little things or at least change the way I approach/receive them. Its VERY hard, especially when it comes to things regarding someone. But, I'll try.

There are things though, that I tell myself when these little things are ruining me. I'll remind myself to be patient and force myself into believing that I'm fine. Sometimes it works, sometimes. . .no.

And to the person whom I've been apologising to, thank you for being patient with me. Its just that sometimes, I want your attention.

Yet another dream

Some time ago I posted a blog post about dreams, and recently, just yesterday I had a rather weird dream; one that I never had before. I dreamed that I was dead. 

No…I did not go through walls or floated in the air but I was taken on a trip, in a lift. Each stop, I had to see how someone was murdered. I could not remember how, but I know it was brutal. The last stop, it was me. Well, I was not the only one in the lift. Someone was with me, he brought me there, and he was the murderer. I did not know that until the very last stop. 

Sounds like I made it up, right? And you must be wondering how the heck I remember what I dreamt. I do not know how either but I just can…although I don't remember tiny details but I remember what happened. I guess I mentioned that before, didn't I? So I did what some people would have done; googled for the meaning of my dream. Read a few and they all say the same thing; it could mean that it's time to let go of my past. Or that something, a new chapter of life is starting soon. It could be a possibility, I don't know. But dreaming that you're dead is not something pleasant, at least what I dreamed was not pleasant at all. It was cold and cruel. It's still stuck in my mind. I honestly hope it's nothing but just a dream…

NEW YEAR!

New Year's Eve, 2014, 1st January. 

What am I doing? You've guessed it, blogging! Yes, I spent my day at home; gaming, watching movies, doing my assignment and well, eating. I know it's a night to be spent outside and trust me, I would LOVE too. I'd make use of my two remaining upcoming years to spend it outside before I'm bound to work, I promise. Hahaha. Let me just be the good girl for the last time this year. 

So, what's so special about a new year? It's just another year, another day, same old routine, same faces. Maybe not. Perhaps new challenges, new faces, and new tasks? I guess it depends on how each individual takes it. Do you feel reluctant to bid farewell to 2013? I don't. Memories were made, goodbyes were said, tears were shed but most importantly, lessons are learnt and we had our smiles and laughters. I might have things I did not fulfill but I will not regret it because I still have next year, and next year and next year. You don't get to have things go your way all the time; there might be traffic jams and what you want gets stuck there till…well next time maybe. 

Ah ah…2013. What can I say about it? I took my SPM results and it sucks, it does but I made it to Singapore and is currently pursuing what I want. Yes, my family did had a very difficult time about me going overseas to study, mostly financial issue but thank God, thank God a million time because I could still make it there. It was very hard at first, being there alone, parting with my family, no home cooked meals but, God gave me the strength to move on! I love you God. 

The loneliness gets to me sometimes, and during difficult times, I cried my heart out alone without anyone. I still regained my strength, picked myself up and moved on. 

Okay okay, I'm cutting it short. 

In the last month of 2013, God gave me yet another person to rely on. Who would've guessed a simple meet up could lead to something more? And who would've guessed I had the balls to ask him out for a movie where things started? I'm glad I have him now. I love him (: And, first day of new year is also our anniversary. Hehe. 

So my resolutions? Work harder, give my best, learn to love better, forgive and forget, keep myself sane and most importantly, keep having faith in God. 

Two, not One.

When your past keeps coming back to haunt you, do you have a place to run to? 

Is running away even an option? Because I don't know how to face them. 

I sometimes shed tears without any solid reasons, just the heaviness in my heart. I take small things seriously and today, I don't feel appreciated or loved for what I did. How do you feel when you know your effort has gone to waste? When you do something for someone, and it isn't appreciated, your heart sinks. Maybe I shouldn't care so much. In the end, I'd get myself covered in bruises. But how do I not care? How do things work when they require two persons' effort but only one is giving? They don't, they'll just fall apart. 

But this is only the beginning…nothing's easy. I can't act fine for now, but I will be fine. I only hope I don't have to do this alone. 

Hope it helps, even a little (:

To the one I don't know how to help…

At this moment, I wish I could be there to hear you out and give you a hug but I'm 10hours bus ride away. Although I really really want to know what made you so moody, I won't pester you to tell me. But know that no matter what happens or what it is that's bothering you now, you can always talk to me; I'll always be here, ready to listen. 

I'm bad in cheering people up. I do hope this could at least make you feel slightly better. You know you don't have to keep everything to yourself, you have me :D 

My adorable pup, don't let negative things get in your way. You can be moody for awhile, but shake it off after that, okay? 

P/s; I look stupid, but I allow you to laugh at it. If it makes you at least smile, I don't mind. CHEER UP! I love youuuu. 

Another p/s; taken some time ago. Hehe. 

22 days

The time now is 4:01am. I'm still wide awake even though my body is screaming in exhaustion from the lack of rest and too much walking. Reason? My mind is replaying the moments I spent with him, from the day I asked him out for a movie till yesterday, when he kissed me on my forehead, and hold me like how I want him too. I like how he's taking things slow, although I know mostly it's because he's shy. 

I still feel new to this whole thing; I've never been kissed on my forehead by a guy, and I've never had someone feeling reluctant to let me leave aside from my family. Honestly, I didn't want to leave as well. If I could spend my whole night with him even if there is nothing to do, I would. I'm already missing him so I wonder how I'm going to survive for two weeks without seeing him. Distance makes the heart grows fonder, they say. I couldn't agree more. 

Right now, I don't really want to know how's my future with him, or if I have the chance to share it with him. I only know that I want to savor and cherish the moments that we have now. I want to remember every single thing we did and the places we went. I'm still learning to love, and I hope I can love him better as time passes. 

"Her"

She silently asks, "Dear God, if there's one thing that I could ask for, can I ask for you to erase my memory and allow me to start all over? Even if it means forgetting the people I love most…"

She doesn't mean to hurt anybody, she has no intentions to do so. Sometimes, she's just a little careless in doing things. But after all, she's still an adolescent, she's still learning her responsibilities. Deep inside, she's deprived of something; family unity, I suppose. No, her childhood was both pleasant and bitter at the same time. She had a loving dad who'd buy her toys and things, loving parents whom not only loved her but loved each other. But there were things that scarred her childhood; things a 5-year-old should not ever witness, things that make her fearful of her future and caused her insecurity and from then on, she built a barrier around herself. As time goes by, the barrier grows and she trusts less in people. She keeps things within herself because others would not understand. 

She tried to stay positive, she's still trying. She believes in God, but she's slowly fading. How long can she keep herself sane? How long can she hold herself together? Will there be an end to all these things that are happening around her? Can she do anything? She's on the verge of giving up…but she has too much to leave behind…

Trust vs Mistrust?

"If you had lost trust in everyone, how would you find it back?" 

That's a question I constantly ask myself. I find it hard to trust people; I judge easily, I try to tear people's masks away to see if they're trustworthy, even if it means hurting them. It's selfish, but it's what I do to protect myself. It's thou I'm living in a shell, one that has hidden spikes all over and when someone decides to come near, I'll have to analyze that person so that I know if I should hurt that person to protect myself or to hurt myself but protect that person. Tricky, eh?

What I mean is, if that person I think is not trustworthy, I'll shunt him off. But if I find him trustworthy, I'll open up to him which in return exposing myself, being vulnerable to him. It sounds complicated, but I've had too much to risk myself getting hurt again. It's the past that moulds us, they say. I couldn't agree more. 

I've opened up to yet another person. Well, just a second one. He's a comfortable person to talk to and that's why I chose to let him in. But knowing my own weakness, I have to keep my distance. I can't cling on too much or I'll fall deeper and become even more vulnerable to him than I am now. The strangest thing is that I see a lot of myself in him; how he takes others' view so seriously, the way he thinks and how sensitive he is and the way he protects himself. Although I want someone to come along and rip all my masks away then protect me from any harm, I have the urge to do that to him. I want to expose him, not to hurt him but to love him. 

The thing is…I'm refusing to let go of this barrier I've built around me. It's hard when you have to learn how to trust people, in the meanwhile protecting yourself and not harming that person. 

I myself find it confusing…

Dreams to sell?

"If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?" - Thomas Lovell Beddoes 

If there were dreams to sell, I'd buy those I desire; a happy home, happy world, a good man to love and a good man who loves me, a successful career, an easy life and many more. But dreams are only dreams until we turn them into reality. 

However, there are dreams I'd never want them to be real. I had one of the weirdest dreams yesterday night; I was stuck in a castle! The castle was so huge and it was like a maze in there. I did not know where I was, probably in a dungeon because there were chains and metal bars and that place was dark. I was in there, trying to find my way out and I was hoping someone would come. Nobody did, it was like a deserted castle. 

They often say dreams have their own meanings. I guess the dream I had was probably trying to tell me that I am stuck with some things in life. Some problems maybe, I don't know. All I know is that I have to find my way out because I don't want to die stuck there. 

There was another dream I had some time ago and I swear it had me waking up in the middle of the night. I was chased by a truck! No, the story didn't end there; it was a truck with only it's 'head' and nobody was driving it! I was running and running but it kept on chasing me. It failed to get me though, because I fell off a cliff and that was when I jolted awake. I was in fear because that dream felt so real but something even weirder happened after I was awake. I let myself slowly drift off to sleep but the image of the truck was still in my mind and that was when I heard a soft, soothing voice telling me to go back to sleep and everything was alright. Upon hearing that, I fell right asleep. WEIRD, HUH? 

No, I'm not making all these up but it's up to you to believe or not. Everybody has weird things happening in their life. Mine are just those dreams. :) People always say that we wouldn't remember what we dreamed but there are dreams I remember even when they occurred during my childhood. Memory issue, eh? 

Anyways, those are the dreams I wouldn't buy and I certainly do not want to relive them. Well, another piece of me revealed today! :) 

Foolish foolish and FOOLISH

At some point of my life, I wish I hadn't gone through so much; experiences from so many things like family, BGR, studies, etc. I wish I didn't make those decisions that I made or that I didn't choose the options that I chose. Some things I did, they are foolish. At the same time, they are good lessons to me but most of the time, they are nothing but painful memories. Sad to say, all these will stay forever in my life and remind me of the things I did and the things I went through.

What brings me to this post?

I started reading a story on Wattpad entitled 'Second Chance Romance' and I just read the most frustrating part of Chapter 8. From the very first kissed Jade shared with Olly, I was already thinking "Dammit you're making the wrong decision, woman!" and now she tells Olly that she is falling for him when her heart is really still with Austin. This part frustrates me because I've been through it; I know my heart is occupied but to help me move on(selfishly), I chose to hurt another person. I honestly wish Jade could just suppressed her NEEDS and leave poor Olly alone just like how I wish I had put aside my needs to be loved and held instead of hurting a poor fellow.

Experiences are good, but to me, if one experienced too much on the same matter, he/she will somehow lose confidence in that matter. Like love; you fail once, twice, thrice and so on, be it you get hurt or you hurt others, you will start to question yourself; "Do I really really really like this guy? What if I hurt him? I don't want to hurt him". This is actually how I'm feeling right now. I doubt I'll ever settle in a stable relationship. Ha Ha Ha! Maybe someone is still occupying that space in my heart or maybe I just don't have confidence in myself for truly loving another person. After all, I still have a long road ahead so I guess I should just dump this aside and focus on studies then focus on work. Yes, I'll probably become a workaholic.

Another small piece of my thought and my past revealed today. (;

I've witness a little more. . .

". . .to have a long life is one thing, but the quality of life is also one, which is more important. . ."

I admit I was eavesdropping a little bit but when he said that, I was in total agreement and I was like "hmmm. . .he knows what to think and what to say". The 'he' I've been mentioning is a doctor, a young house officer(HO).

My three weeks of attachment at Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) has opened my eyes to quite a number of things. One of them is that young, hot and handsome doctors do exist. Okay you can ignore that but its true. The HOs there are really good looking and even a few MOs(medical officer) and I swear they're really distracting. *blushes* C'mon, who wouldn't be attracted to them? They're like doctors  which means they're smart and they're really good looking. I was particularly attracted to one of the HOs but he was there only during my first week because they changed the team of doctors. :( Anyway, that's not really the main point of my whole attachment.

After working for 3 weeks in a hospital, I realised that I should be counting my blessings and be thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful life; that I'm not the one in a hospital bed, or any of my family members, thankful that none of us are suffering like some of the patients are. We will never NEVER know the pain they are going through, both the patient and the patient's family members. When it comes to nursing, people will think "Eeeeeuw you have to change diapers and wipe butts" this and that bla bla bla, its true that we do change diapers and wipe butts. I did doubt whether I could do that but surprisingly, I was happy that I could help my patients. I honestly don't mind serving them and when they say "Thank you", I know that they appreciate our help. They are actually really nice people; sometimes when we serve them their meals, they'll ask us if we had eaten and some even offer us food. They will also ask what time we work until and how are we coping with our attachment and studies. The patients know that we are students and we are slow in doing things but they did not complain yet some of them even guided us by giving us valuable advice. So you see, this is somehow a mutual thing - we care for them, they care for us. =)

This is actually what motivates me to go to work everyday for my 3 weeks(except the fact that I get to see handsome doctors). Being able to make them feel comfortable makes me happy. But at times when I see patients suffering, I feel sad for them. I remember telling my teacher how I feel about seriously ill patients. I told her that sometimes when I see them, I feel that its better for them to 'leave' because that way, they won't suffer anymore and like what the doctor said, the quality of life is important. But at the same time, it will also be hard for the family members to let go. And this is actually something we have to learn in life as well because one day, we will have to let someone go too. I hope that day will never come, but if it does, I'll probably have to courage to do so. As for now, I'm content with my life and I'm thankful that I've been given a chance to help others. If I could, I wish to fulfil my dream to be a doctor one day, so I could do more.

Anyway, here's a photo of the ten of us! :D Team Ward9C!

When they truly see who you are. . .

They say. . .no matter how many good things you've done, one mistake will bring you down from most people's eyes. *note that I typed MOST*

Even though I agree with it, people who truly see who you are will look pass your mistakes and help you to get up from where you fell. They will not judge you or label you but they will advise you. Those are the people who really love you and want the best for you and they will do their best to help you in achieving your dreams or goals; and those people are your family, true friends and in my case, teachers.

I'm grateful to have such people in my life. They forgave me for the mistakes I made when I couldn't even forgive myself. I'm happy because they see the potential in me to grow and gain experience and they have hopes in me. Unfortunately, that's also a thing that stresses me the most because I know that I will disappoint them if I fail in anything;disappointing them breaks my heart even more than my own failure. Nonetheless, I'm happy and blessed to have such people around me to keep me going on. (:

To me. . .

"When I tell 'I Love You', I meant it. When I tell you 'I Love You', to me its just not merely friends. When I tell you that I love you, I want you to know that I really do. Those three words are not just words to me, they're what I've been doing to you, what I'm doing right now and what I will be doing in the future. You may not know that I do, but its ok because I can be your guardian angel. I will love you from a distance you wouldn't find out. I'll always be there with my arms wide open to catch you when you fall. Your place in my heart is irreplaceable; no other man can replace you. So many years I've waited and till now, I'm still not the one you choose. I don't mind as long as you're happy with whoever you choose. I just want you to know that I'll still be loving you no matter what. I'd do whatever it takes to keep you with me, even if it means not having a relationship with you. If we have to remain friends just so I wouldn't lose you, I'd do just that. You don't have to know how much I love you, just remember that I'll always be here when you need me. I know when I tell you that I love you, you see it as what a friend says to another friend. 

To me. . .I really really really do love you"

When you fall, what would you do?

Human tends to give up when we're faced with obstacles, failures or challenges in anything we do. We tend to want to run away from every problem that we're facing because sometimes, we just feel so tired trying to accept things and solve problems.

Exactly how I'm feeling right now, if not most of the time.

I know when we fall, we have to get up, endure the pain and continue doing what we're doing BUT learning from the fall we had. Nobody is perfect, they say. Hence its okay for us to have mistakes once in a while in the things that we do. I don't want to use that as an excuse for the mistakes I've did because I know I can do better and now I have no one else to blame but myself. I cannot accept the fact of what I did and this will probably scar me for the rest of my life. If you ask me if I could forgive myself, no. Never. I hate disappointing people who put so much hope on us, on me. I'm sorry.

A friend of mine told me that I'll just have to accept my fall and laugh at it instead of dwelling in tears. Maybe, just maybe if I change the perception of my thinking I could feel less worse? I have so much more to learn from him. I know I have to be tough and bear in mind that the road ahead of me is still very long and winding and there will be so much more obstacles and failures I will have to face. I know very very well that I have to learn from this mistake I made but my mind just seem to be opposing me in every positive way I'm thinking. It makes me feel so so so tired till I just want to give in to my negative thoughts; thoughts that say I'm unforgivable, I should give up and things are not meant for me, thoughts of how to end everything. . .

I'm afraid I'll lose my mind one day. . .but I know someone is always watching me and without His strength, I wouldn't be sitting here today. I know I still have so much more to learn and I have to endure the long road ahead of me, but I also know that He will be with me. No matter how many suicidal thoughts come into mind, I'll always remember that my life belongs to God and only God alone; only He can take away my life for He was the one who gave it to me. I know that He's only throwing all these challenges at me because I'm strong, and He's testing my strength and will to carry on. Thank you Lord for giving me chances to learn. I will hold my head up and recover from my fall.

Everything comes and goes . . .

". . .memories are like bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces. . ."

I had a dream when I was having a nap. In my dream, I was in someone's arms and he planted a soft kiss on my forehead before he disappeared. That feeling is so surreal till I can still recall it even now.

Memories are a part of us; they'll never disappear, they'll never leave us. Some are bitter while some are sweet. Something brought me back to the time when I was with him. It led me to our old messages and wall posts on Facebook and I was wondering, why did I like this guy? A year, we've been together but in the end, I ended it. I know clearly why I did that but why didn't I give the both of us another chance to try and re-ignite that spark between us? And I thought maybe there's this someone who's place in my heart can never be replaced by anyone. . .no matter who I'm with, that someone will always be there.

Even though its been quite long, I remember every moment we had. At times, I really really question myself; why is my memory so good? Its agonizing especially when you remember so much from the past and sometimes you just re-live them in your dreams, in other ways. I don't mean to say that my past is really bad but they're bad enough to cause me anxiety. Most of us can't even remember moments that we had with someone, but I remember even some words that we've said to each other. I remember having to explain to him why. . .

I don't know if anybody wishes to have a memory power like mine, but sometimes I wish I could just erase most of them. Its as though I wanna refresh my memory and start again, new. I don't want all these experiences, painful experiences and I just want to try to start new. When you've experienced enough on certain matters, you'll question yourself even more in the same matter or worse still, you'll try to run away from it. As much as I want someone to hold me like what happened in my dream, I don't want to get hurt or experience the pain of having someone leaving me.