NEW YEAR!

New Year's Eve, 2014, 1st January. 

What am I doing? You've guessed it, blogging! Yes, I spent my day at home; gaming, watching movies, doing my assignment and well, eating. I know it's a night to be spent outside and trust me, I would LOVE too. I'd make use of my two remaining upcoming years to spend it outside before I'm bound to work, I promise. Hahaha. Let me just be the good girl for the last time this year. 

So, what's so special about a new year? It's just another year, another day, same old routine, same faces. Maybe not. Perhaps new challenges, new faces, and new tasks? I guess it depends on how each individual takes it. Do you feel reluctant to bid farewell to 2013? I don't. Memories were made, goodbyes were said, tears were shed but most importantly, lessons are learnt and we had our smiles and laughters. I might have things I did not fulfill but I will not regret it because I still have next year, and next year and next year. You don't get to have things go your way all the time; there might be traffic jams and what you want gets stuck there till…well next time maybe. 

Ah ah…2013. What can I say about it? I took my SPM results and it sucks, it does but I made it to Singapore and is currently pursuing what I want. Yes, my family did had a very difficult time about me going overseas to study, mostly financial issue but thank God, thank God a million time because I could still make it there. It was very hard at first, being there alone, parting with my family, no home cooked meals but, God gave me the strength to move on! I love you God. 

The loneliness gets to me sometimes, and during difficult times, I cried my heart out alone without anyone. I still regained my strength, picked myself up and moved on. 

Okay okay, I'm cutting it short. 

In the last month of 2013, God gave me yet another person to rely on. Who would've guessed a simple meet up could lead to something more? And who would've guessed I had the balls to ask him out for a movie where things started? I'm glad I have him now. I love him (: And, first day of new year is also our anniversary. Hehe. 

So my resolutions? Work harder, give my best, learn to love better, forgive and forget, keep myself sane and most importantly, keep having faith in God. 

Two, not One.

When your past keeps coming back to haunt you, do you have a place to run to? 

Is running away even an option? Because I don't know how to face them. 

I sometimes shed tears without any solid reasons, just the heaviness in my heart. I take small things seriously and today, I don't feel appreciated or loved for what I did. How do you feel when you know your effort has gone to waste? When you do something for someone, and it isn't appreciated, your heart sinks. Maybe I shouldn't care so much. In the end, I'd get myself covered in bruises. But how do I not care? How do things work when they require two persons' effort but only one is giving? They don't, they'll just fall apart. 

But this is only the beginning…nothing's easy. I can't act fine for now, but I will be fine. I only hope I don't have to do this alone. 

Hope it helps, even a little (:

To the one I don't know how to help…

At this moment, I wish I could be there to hear you out and give you a hug but I'm 10hours bus ride away. Although I really really want to know what made you so moody, I won't pester you to tell me. But know that no matter what happens or what it is that's bothering you now, you can always talk to me; I'll always be here, ready to listen. 

I'm bad in cheering people up. I do hope this could at least make you feel slightly better. You know you don't have to keep everything to yourself, you have me :D 

My adorable pup, don't let negative things get in your way. You can be moody for awhile, but shake it off after that, okay? 

P/s; I look stupid, but I allow you to laugh at it. If it makes you at least smile, I don't mind. CHEER UP! I love youuuu. 

Another p/s; taken some time ago. Hehe. 

22 days

The time now is 4:01am. I'm still wide awake even though my body is screaming in exhaustion from the lack of rest and too much walking. Reason? My mind is replaying the moments I spent with him, from the day I asked him out for a movie till yesterday, when he kissed me on my forehead, and hold me like how I want him too. I like how he's taking things slow, although I know mostly it's because he's shy. 

I still feel new to this whole thing; I've never been kissed on my forehead by a guy, and I've never had someone feeling reluctant to let me leave aside from my family. Honestly, I didn't want to leave as well. If I could spend my whole night with him even if there is nothing to do, I would. I'm already missing him so I wonder how I'm going to survive for two weeks without seeing him. Distance makes the heart grows fonder, they say. I couldn't agree more. 

Right now, I don't really want to know how's my future with him, or if I have the chance to share it with him. I only know that I want to savor and cherish the moments that we have now. I want to remember every single thing we did and the places we went. I'm still learning to love, and I hope I can love him better as time passes. 

"Her"

She silently asks, "Dear God, if there's one thing that I could ask for, can I ask for you to erase my memory and allow me to start all over? Even if it means forgetting the people I love most…"

She doesn't mean to hurt anybody, she has no intentions to do so. Sometimes, she's just a little careless in doing things. But after all, she's still an adolescent, she's still learning her responsibilities. Deep inside, she's deprived of something; family unity, I suppose. No, her childhood was both pleasant and bitter at the same time. She had a loving dad who'd buy her toys and things, loving parents whom not only loved her but loved each other. But there were things that scarred her childhood; things a 5-year-old should not ever witness, things that make her fearful of her future and caused her insecurity and from then on, she built a barrier around herself. As time goes by, the barrier grows and she trusts less in people. She keeps things within herself because others would not understand. 

She tried to stay positive, she's still trying. She believes in God, but she's slowly fading. How long can she keep herself sane? How long can she hold herself together? Will there be an end to all these things that are happening around her? Can she do anything? She's on the verge of giving up…but she has too much to leave behind…

Trust vs Mistrust?

"If you had lost trust in everyone, how would you find it back?" 

That's a question I constantly ask myself. I find it hard to trust people; I judge easily, I try to tear people's masks away to see if they're trustworthy, even if it means hurting them. It's selfish, but it's what I do to protect myself. It's thou I'm living in a shell, one that has hidden spikes all over and when someone decides to come near, I'll have to analyze that person so that I know if I should hurt that person to protect myself or to hurt myself but protect that person. Tricky, eh?

What I mean is, if that person I think is not trustworthy, I'll shunt him off. But if I find him trustworthy, I'll open up to him which in return exposing myself, being vulnerable to him. It sounds complicated, but I've had too much to risk myself getting hurt again. It's the past that moulds us, they say. I couldn't agree more. 

I've opened up to yet another person. Well, just a second one. He's a comfortable person to talk to and that's why I chose to let him in. But knowing my own weakness, I have to keep my distance. I can't cling on too much or I'll fall deeper and become even more vulnerable to him than I am now. The strangest thing is that I see a lot of myself in him; how he takes others' view so seriously, the way he thinks and how sensitive he is and the way he protects himself. Although I want someone to come along and rip all my masks away then protect me from any harm, I have the urge to do that to him. I want to expose him, not to hurt him but to love him. 

The thing is…I'm refusing to let go of this barrier I've built around me. It's hard when you have to learn how to trust people, in the meanwhile protecting yourself and not harming that person. 

I myself find it confusing…

Dreams to sell?

"If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?" - Thomas Lovell Beddoes 

If there were dreams to sell, I'd buy those I desire; a happy home, happy world, a good man to love and a good man who loves me, a successful career, an easy life and many more. But dreams are only dreams until we turn them into reality. 

However, there are dreams I'd never want them to be real. I had one of the weirdest dreams yesterday night; I was stuck in a castle! The castle was so huge and it was like a maze in there. I did not know where I was, probably in a dungeon because there were chains and metal bars and that place was dark. I was in there, trying to find my way out and I was hoping someone would come. Nobody did, it was like a deserted castle. 

They often say dreams have their own meanings. I guess the dream I had was probably trying to tell me that I am stuck with some things in life. Some problems maybe, I don't know. All I know is that I have to find my way out because I don't want to die stuck there. 

There was another dream I had some time ago and I swear it had me waking up in the middle of the night. I was chased by a truck! No, the story didn't end there; it was a truck with only it's 'head' and nobody was driving it! I was running and running but it kept on chasing me. It failed to get me though, because I fell off a cliff and that was when I jolted awake. I was in fear because that dream felt so real but something even weirder happened after I was awake. I let myself slowly drift off to sleep but the image of the truck was still in my mind and that was when I heard a soft, soothing voice telling me to go back to sleep and everything was alright. Upon hearing that, I fell right asleep. WEIRD, HUH? 

No, I'm not making all these up but it's up to you to believe or not. Everybody has weird things happening in their life. Mine are just those dreams. :) People always say that we wouldn't remember what we dreamed but there are dreams I remember even when they occurred during my childhood. Memory issue, eh? 

Anyways, those are the dreams I wouldn't buy and I certainly do not want to relive them. Well, another piece of me revealed today! :) 

Foolish foolish and FOOLISH

At some point of my life, I wish I hadn't gone through so much; experiences from so many things like family, BGR, studies, etc. I wish I didn't make those decisions that I made or that I didn't choose the options that I chose. Some things I did, they are foolish. At the same time, they are good lessons to me but most of the time, they are nothing but painful memories. Sad to say, all these will stay forever in my life and remind me of the things I did and the things I went through.

What brings me to this post?

I started reading a story on Wattpad entitled 'Second Chance Romance' and I just read the most frustrating part of Chapter 8. From the very first kissed Jade shared with Olly, I was already thinking "Dammit you're making the wrong decision, woman!" and now she tells Olly that she is falling for him when her heart is really still with Austin. This part frustrates me because I've been through it; I know my heart is occupied but to help me move on(selfishly), I chose to hurt another person. I honestly wish Jade could just suppressed her NEEDS and leave poor Olly alone just like how I wish I had put aside my needs to be loved and held instead of hurting a poor fellow.

Experiences are good, but to me, if one experienced too much on the same matter, he/she will somehow lose confidence in that matter. Like love; you fail once, twice, thrice and so on, be it you get hurt or you hurt others, you will start to question yourself; "Do I really really really like this guy? What if I hurt him? I don't want to hurt him". This is actually how I'm feeling right now. I doubt I'll ever settle in a stable relationship. Ha Ha Ha! Maybe someone is still occupying that space in my heart or maybe I just don't have confidence in myself for truly loving another person. After all, I still have a long road ahead so I guess I should just dump this aside and focus on studies then focus on work. Yes, I'll probably become a workaholic.

Another small piece of my thought and my past revealed today. (;

I've witness a little more. . .

". . .to have a long life is one thing, but the quality of life is also one, which is more important. . ."

I admit I was eavesdropping a little bit but when he said that, I was in total agreement and I was like "hmmm. . .he knows what to think and what to say". The 'he' I've been mentioning is a doctor, a young house officer(HO).

My three weeks of attachment at Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) has opened my eyes to quite a number of things. One of them is that young, hot and handsome doctors do exist. Okay you can ignore that but its true. The HOs there are really good looking and even a few MOs(medical officer) and I swear they're really distracting. *blushes* C'mon, who wouldn't be attracted to them? They're like doctors  which means they're smart and they're really good looking. I was particularly attracted to one of the HOs but he was there only during my first week because they changed the team of doctors. :( Anyway, that's not really the main point of my whole attachment.

After working for 3 weeks in a hospital, I realised that I should be counting my blessings and be thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful life; that I'm not the one in a hospital bed, or any of my family members, thankful that none of us are suffering like some of the patients are. We will never NEVER know the pain they are going through, both the patient and the patient's family members. When it comes to nursing, people will think "Eeeeeuw you have to change diapers and wipe butts" this and that bla bla bla, its true that we do change diapers and wipe butts. I did doubt whether I could do that but surprisingly, I was happy that I could help my patients. I honestly don't mind serving them and when they say "Thank you", I know that they appreciate our help. They are actually really nice people; sometimes when we serve them their meals, they'll ask us if we had eaten and some even offer us food. They will also ask what time we work until and how are we coping with our attachment and studies. The patients know that we are students and we are slow in doing things but they did not complain yet some of them even guided us by giving us valuable advice. So you see, this is somehow a mutual thing - we care for them, they care for us. =)

This is actually what motivates me to go to work everyday for my 3 weeks(except the fact that I get to see handsome doctors). Being able to make them feel comfortable makes me happy. But at times when I see patients suffering, I feel sad for them. I remember telling my teacher how I feel about seriously ill patients. I told her that sometimes when I see them, I feel that its better for them to 'leave' because that way, they won't suffer anymore and like what the doctor said, the quality of life is important. But at the same time, it will also be hard for the family members to let go. And this is actually something we have to learn in life as well because one day, we will have to let someone go too. I hope that day will never come, but if it does, I'll probably have to courage to do so. As for now, I'm content with my life and I'm thankful that I've been given a chance to help others. If I could, I wish to fulfil my dream to be a doctor one day, so I could do more.

Anyway, here's a photo of the ten of us! :D Team Ward9C!

When they truly see who you are. . .

They say. . .no matter how many good things you've done, one mistake will bring you down from most people's eyes. *note that I typed MOST*

Even though I agree with it, people who truly see who you are will look pass your mistakes and help you to get up from where you fell. They will not judge you or label you but they will advise you. Those are the people who really love you and want the best for you and they will do their best to help you in achieving your dreams or goals; and those people are your family, true friends and in my case, teachers.

I'm grateful to have such people in my life. They forgave me for the mistakes I made when I couldn't even forgive myself. I'm happy because they see the potential in me to grow and gain experience and they have hopes in me. Unfortunately, that's also a thing that stresses me the most because I know that I will disappoint them if I fail in anything;disappointing them breaks my heart even more than my own failure. Nonetheless, I'm happy and blessed to have such people around me to keep me going on. (:

To me. . .

"When I tell 'I Love You', I meant it. When I tell you 'I Love You', to me its just not merely friends. When I tell you that I love you, I want you to know that I really do. Those three words are not just words to me, they're what I've been doing to you, what I'm doing right now and what I will be doing in the future. You may not know that I do, but its ok because I can be your guardian angel. I will love you from a distance you wouldn't find out. I'll always be there with my arms wide open to catch you when you fall. Your place in my heart is irreplaceable; no other man can replace you. So many years I've waited and till now, I'm still not the one you choose. I don't mind as long as you're happy with whoever you choose. I just want you to know that I'll still be loving you no matter what. I'd do whatever it takes to keep you with me, even if it means not having a relationship with you. If we have to remain friends just so I wouldn't lose you, I'd do just that. You don't have to know how much I love you, just remember that I'll always be here when you need me. I know when I tell you that I love you, you see it as what a friend says to another friend. 

To me. . .I really really really do love you"

When you fall, what would you do?

Human tends to give up when we're faced with obstacles, failures or challenges in anything we do. We tend to want to run away from every problem that we're facing because sometimes, we just feel so tired trying to accept things and solve problems.

Exactly how I'm feeling right now, if not most of the time.

I know when we fall, we have to get up, endure the pain and continue doing what we're doing BUT learning from the fall we had. Nobody is perfect, they say. Hence its okay for us to have mistakes once in a while in the things that we do. I don't want to use that as an excuse for the mistakes I've did because I know I can do better and now I have no one else to blame but myself. I cannot accept the fact of what I did and this will probably scar me for the rest of my life. If you ask me if I could forgive myself, no. Never. I hate disappointing people who put so much hope on us, on me. I'm sorry.

A friend of mine told me that I'll just have to accept my fall and laugh at it instead of dwelling in tears. Maybe, just maybe if I change the perception of my thinking I could feel less worse? I have so much more to learn from him. I know I have to be tough and bear in mind that the road ahead of me is still very long and winding and there will be so much more obstacles and failures I will have to face. I know very very well that I have to learn from this mistake I made but my mind just seem to be opposing me in every positive way I'm thinking. It makes me feel so so so tired till I just want to give in to my negative thoughts; thoughts that say I'm unforgivable, I should give up and things are not meant for me, thoughts of how to end everything. . .

I'm afraid I'll lose my mind one day. . .but I know someone is always watching me and without His strength, I wouldn't be sitting here today. I know I still have so much more to learn and I have to endure the long road ahead of me, but I also know that He will be with me. No matter how many suicidal thoughts come into mind, I'll always remember that my life belongs to God and only God alone; only He can take away my life for He was the one who gave it to me. I know that He's only throwing all these challenges at me because I'm strong, and He's testing my strength and will to carry on. Thank you Lord for giving me chances to learn. I will hold my head up and recover from my fall.

Everything comes and goes . . .

". . .memories are like bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces. . ."

I had a dream when I was having a nap. In my dream, I was in someone's arms and he planted a soft kiss on my forehead before he disappeared. That feeling is so surreal till I can still recall it even now.

Memories are a part of us; they'll never disappear, they'll never leave us. Some are bitter while some are sweet. Something brought me back to the time when I was with him. It led me to our old messages and wall posts on Facebook and I was wondering, why did I like this guy? A year, we've been together but in the end, I ended it. I know clearly why I did that but why didn't I give the both of us another chance to try and re-ignite that spark between us? And I thought maybe there's this someone who's place in my heart can never be replaced by anyone. . .no matter who I'm with, that someone will always be there.

Even though its been quite long, I remember every moment we had. At times, I really really question myself; why is my memory so good? Its agonizing especially when you remember so much from the past and sometimes you just re-live them in your dreams, in other ways. I don't mean to say that my past is really bad but they're bad enough to cause me anxiety. Most of us can't even remember moments that we had with someone, but I remember even some words that we've said to each other. I remember having to explain to him why. . .

I don't know if anybody wishes to have a memory power like mine, but sometimes I wish I could just erase most of them. Its as though I wanna refresh my memory and start again, new. I don't want all these experiences, painful experiences and I just want to try to start new. When you've experienced enough on certain matters, you'll question yourself even more in the same matter or worse still, you'll try to run away from it. As much as I want someone to hold me like what happened in my dream, I don't want to get hurt or experience the pain of having someone leaving me.

Adaptation & the Psychology of Pain

I remember I once blogged about how Psychology is interesting and it gets me thinking, or did I? Anyway, the previous class got me thinking again; Adaptation and the Psychology of Pain.

Adaptation - an adjustment in sensory capacity after prolonged exposure to unchanging stimuli (Introduction to Psychology, Mcgraw Hill)

We always talk about being adapted to a new environment and things like that but so far, nobody I know has ever talked to me about being adapted to sex. No I'm not a pervert; the thought just popped up in my mind during class. Lets say you're constantly inflicting pain on a part of your body and the more times you do it, the less pain you feel, right? Isn't it the same for sexual intercourse? You do it everyday, you get adapted to the pleasure. No? I'm not sure how addictive sex is but still, won't a couple get adapted to it and not feel the pleasure as they felt for the first time? I asked my friend this and she answered me "That's why they must spice things up mah". True I suppose.

Is that why there are so many sex positions? LOL. And all the sex toys. Woah okay.

Now the Psychology of Pain; is pain a sensation or a perception? Its both actually. Some people say its only a sensation because when you're injured, of course you feel pain. But its also a perception because, to me its how that person thinks of the level of pain that he/she is feeling. Like me, if I get a cut and I change my own perception saying that "its just a small cut nothing big", I won't feel the pain much. Or in another way that my lecturer explained to us; a person doesn't feel much pain to his/her injury because he/she thinks that getting injured is worth it as long as they can achieve their goal. See, its all about perception! So when you have a wound or anything, just don't think about the pain. Now I know why doctors/nurses try to distract their patients when they're cleaning the wounds...hehe.

Questions? Bullshits? What say you?

What would you do if you could buy all the time that you've wasted in the part? Would you choose to relive all your memories ? And what if one day you wake up and your life is just a dream?

I'd be like "woah, so this is what's going to happen to me!". Haha.

How'd you know when you're going to die? How'd you know how many years, or even seconds that you're going to live? Unpredictable things, they suck. It scares me to think that I'm stepping into adulthood now and I've to learn to do so many things. And think of it, how many more years do I have? Will I grow old without someone to love me? Will I be alone or will I get married and then get divorced? Stupid, I know.

My mind works a lot. It is constantly thinking and thinking and thinking; sometimes irrelevant and stupid stuffs and sometimes I just let it wander off to fantasy land. Better than a blank mind (:
Honestly, my mind is really blank now. I can't put my thoughts into words. At the moment, they're like jigsaw puzzles all jumbled up. Hahahaha. Well, wait till I sort 'em out then…

Give, and you shall receive (:

..."money cannot buy happiness..."

That phrase looks familiar, doesn't it? I use to agree with that phrase and think that money is not everything and money definitely cannot buy happiness. But a bulb just ignited in my mind few minutes ago; money CAN indeed buy happiness! Think of it this way, if you are really rich and have so much money, you use your money to provide for the poor and needy or you donate it, it still makes you happy! Hence, money can really buy happiness. 

Well, it is not necessary for you to be rich to be able to provide for the poor. You don't have to donate a million dollars. Just cook something, bring it to an old folks' home or children home and spend some time there. Trust me, it will make you happier as a person and makes your life much more worth living. Even if you have only so much to give, give all that you can because what you will receive means much more than what you have now. 

Lets rewind to two weeks back; I was in the MRT on the way back from Jurong East and normally, youngsters/young adults would not give up their seats for the elderly and pregnant women. But, I realised there are still considerate and kind people around. More to that, the persons who gave up their seats were guys. Even though both of them were not really good looking, I was attracted to their kindness. Not only once did they give up their seat, but a few times and I literally smiled at them. Oh mind me, they're just the real gentlemen to me. They did not expect the girls to give up their seats as well. Honestly, its very hard to find kind souls nowadays. Everybody is waiting for somebody else to do something when in the end, EVERYBODY will just stare and do nothing. Does it hurt to make the first move in helping someone? Will it take away a part of your body or will you lose something? I don't think so. 

Help whenever you can, do a good deed everyday. Its nothing too difficult to do. You just have to give up your seat, give way to others or just saying 'thank you' is good enough.

" Give to others, and God will give to you. Indeed, you will receive a full measure, a generous helping, poured into your hands—all that you can hold. The measure you use for others is the one that God will use for you.” Luke 6:38

Goodbyes are only temporary

June 19 10:52am, Wednesday

Hi, here I am again with a post 'on-the-go'. This time it's different; I'm leaving home, leaving ipoh and heading back to Singapore. I hate goodbyes, never good at it and I'll probably would not improve. Others might think I'm a little 'cold-hearted' or so because I avoid all the huggings and kissing before parting. Well, it's because all these make me miss home and the people here even more and believe me when I say you do not want to cry in public. It's a very relevant reason, no? I prefer to stay strong, even if its just on the surface. Parting is not for forever, unless its death but even so, the person who passed away will be kept dearly in our heart. Goodbyes are only temporary. One can only pray for the best.

Maybe this is why some people prefer to be unattached and they even refuse to be close to family members. Parting is painful especially when you have to leave alone and be by yourself. When someone very close to you dies, how would you feel? The effect may vary for everyone but for me, I don't know how I will handle it. The emptiness will be there and the longing as well. This is why I prefer not to get too attached to others. In other ways, they wouldn't feel so painful when I'm gone someday.

Crapping, ain't I? But I believe some people do think the same. Now that I'm sitting here waiting for my flight, I realize that sometimes you got to sacrifice one thing for another. Soon I will have my own life and I'll have to leave everything behind. Who would've thought that letting go would be this difficult?

Till then…goodbye.

'Do not let evil defeat you, do not let darkness surrounds your heart. Fight away the loneliness, remember our Father above. For he's always watching us, wherever we go…"

Something from this morning…

12/6/2013 8:04a.m Wednesday

I'm a person who loves to observe things and people. I like to do it without people noticing. It's nice and funny to sometimes see how they behave or react to certain situations. Some people say I'm a good observer. I'm not quite sure, maybe I am? I can roughly tell how a guy feel towards a girl just by his actions and most of the time, I'm right. Sometimes, I observe others without even knowing that I'm doing it. I'd like to know what they're thinking. Then sometimes, I see how people dress and in Singapore, it's not that hard to find some that amaze me, be it bad or good. When it comes to couples, it sometimes disgust me to see what they do in public. Call me old-fashioned, but I still think that all the tongue kissing and rubbing and caressing should be done somewhere private. Not for the sake of others but at least for the sake of children around? I personally wouldn't want my 5-year-old child witnessing a 'sex story' unfolding in front of him/her. Well, not that I have a child but its a fact. Children, they never fail to surprise and amaze me. It's nice to just look at them and see what they do. There was once I was in a hypermarket and these two young kids, siblings, probably around age 2-4; the younger brother is still considered as an infant. His mitten fell of his trolley and I picked it up for them. Children are normally shy but this kid and his sister, they actually waved at me after that. I melted at that exact moment. Children can be adorable and annoying at times. Nonetheless, I still love them. (:

Now, I've been thinking, I observe people so I'm guessing I'm being observed as well. Speaking about that, I wonder if I'm an 'eye candy' to anyone in school. Haha. Yes, eye candy is another term for crush. Oh trust me, I have one myself but I'm not revealing it. I can be very self-conscious sometimes especially when I know that I'm being observed; yes i feel it sometimes. I'm self-conscious about my own body and how I look and sometimes, how I act. I tend to act quite stupidly at times and I seriously do not have the 18-year-old-poly-student look. I think sometimes I still look like a 15 or 16 year old girl. Hmmmm…yay to that or nay? Because sometimes I wish I could pull off a sexy, like sexy sexy look and not adorable sexy or just adorable look. But like I've once told a friend, "You're not handsome but you're adorable", so I guess the same goes to me? Hahaha.

It's now 8:35a.m. and I think I should stop.

"Sometimes being alone allows you the time to think, to observe and to relax. Not every hour you have to be with someone…"

And yes, I am alone now, with strangers all around me.

Only Us

Something I did back in 2009 when I was...14 (: 


It’s like I’m in a timeless dream
Surrounded by whitey mist
Seeing pale amber roses everywhere
Searching for your presence
Here and there

Where are you? Where are you?
I see your image in my head
I held my hand out to you
Failed to reach…
You faded away like the mist

Lying on the soft grass 
Under the night sky filled with white shining stars
I see you, up above
Again, I tried to hold you
Again, you faded away like the clouds

I sit on the brownish sand
Hearing the sound of the gentle waves
Looking at the breath-taking sunset
I see you, in the orange sky
Yet, I could not hold you

I stand at the end of the street
Seeing distinct leaves fall 
Feeling chill breeze sweeps through
I sit on an empty bench
Hoping for you to be there

I’m waiting for you…I’m waiting
Waiting for the day to be with you again
Up at the hills, under the clear blue sky
Beside the gentle ocean, at an empty street
No one else, but the both of us

Only us

When it feels like I hate everything. . .

When it comes to choosing between home and work/study, what would be your decision?

I hate that I cried, why can't I be stronger? I hate myself for making mistakes. I hate that I can't be a person who can leave her work behind, even unsettled problems, and just go straight home. I hate that there's nobody here to listen. I hate that the one closest to me did not offer a solution instead making me feel worse. I hate everything right now. I hate myself for being so weak. Oh and, I hate passwords and pins as well. 

Its a decision I have to make and I very well know what it is but I refuse to accept the decision made. But right now, it seems to be the best solution if I stay. Then I'll just rot here, or I could go back to campus every morning/evening and work the shit out of myself; exhaust myself, push myself so I don't feel anything else but the exhaustion. Yes, sounds like a good idea.

Way to go, Charlotte. I don't know if you're a strong girl, or you're just a stupid careless child. Bravo. 

Unknown Me, Denying

....well, now known

I realised there are things about myself that I refuse to believe that they are there, that they exist and are part of me; my thoughts, my subconscious self. . . . .

Studying Psychology allows me to actually know myself better and in Psychology, under Personality we have the Id, Ego and Superego. . Id is the "pleasure self" where its sole purpose is to reduce tension, or to seek pleasure especially sexual pleasures, aggression and irrational impulses. On the other hand, the Superego is known as the "conscience self" where it represents the rights and wrongs of society. It is the Superego that allows us to see and know what is right and wrong but is often opposed by the Id self. Hence, I call them the Devil & Angel. (definitions taken from a Psych book)
Recently, my Id self and Superego self have been 'debating' quite often. Yes, those are the voices in our head. I know that these voices are all in me but I'm confused that whether am I talking to myself, or really, the voices are just there. This is one of the things I deny in myself; the unknown voices.

Then of course, I have my own thoughts which can go 'haywire' sometimes. And by 'haywire' I mean, they turn into ugly, bad and negative thoughts. For example, I dislike someone & that person crosses my line, my thoughts of her will turn all negative. I try and I'm still trying my best to resist and defy that because its really really bad. Its like, when I'm mad or is provoked, somebody else takes over my thoughts and sometimes, my actions and I'm trapped inside. Maybe that's my very own Devil, and I refuse to let it show its face. I also know that I can switch from one side to another really fast; I can be really nice & persuasive towards you and if you refuse to take my offer, that's the last you'll hear from me. Bad, isn't it?

And today, I've realised that maybe, just maybe I have this 'dominant' trait in me. No, not the Christian Grey dominant but the one in control, the leader. Although most of the time, given the opportunity to lead, I refused. I can lead, and I can make people listen but most of the time, I just doubt my own ability. I was taken by surprised that he's actually afraid or rather intimidated by me. Am I that scary? I mean, he's much bigger and taller than me and he could just take me there but from what I saw today, he seems to be intimidated by me. I don't know if its the aura around me or just the way I work. Truth is. . . .I don't want him to feel that way.

I'm just so so so confused with myself at this point...since when am I not confused by myself? I've so many things, thoughts and feelings in me that I just couldn't seem to sort them out. I've fears that are sometimes very irrelevant. If I could just bury them somewhere deep down....that'd be good.

Little things about me . . .

Hi. I figured its time I start putting my tweets into blog posts. I've already exceeded 44k tweets (:

So, to start off with this post, I'd like to say that I'm more of an introvert. I prefer reading books over partying, that's of course if I'm going to a party with close friends. Yes, I hate being alone as a matter of fact. When I'm alone in public, I need to have something to do. I sometimes feel awkward around people that I do not know - strangers. Lets just say, I feel insecure, especially around older guys. Maybe that's the reason why I don't flash a smile to strangers(guys) and try to make myself look inapproachable. Please note that I don't do this to every guy, just SOME, if not MOST. And, I also try my best to avoid having any physical contact with 'strangers' or guys I barely know, even in a cramped bus. You may say I have issues with guys but can't blame my insecurities.
Apart from those, I prefer to be in a small group of close friends than being in a large group, where again I sometimes feel uncomfortable. I like to be known, but not famous. Call me complicated, I don't mind because I think that's what I am. Hmmm...introvert. I think the extrovert side actually lives in me but I'm just more to the introvert side. Its very very weird. isn't it?

I'm also actually a 'physical' person; I like to exercise and play some sports ONLY if I have companies. Yea, I'd prefer to have someone to jog with me rather than to jog alone, even if I have my iPod with me. It motivates me even more and its good to have some companies to keep you entertain. On the other hand, I can also sit facing my laptop for the whole day, mainly just gaming. I know its unhealthy, but I admit I'm a gamer myself and yes, I'm a girl. Girls don't only do makeup, well maybe girls like me and I definitely would choose gaming over makeup. Don't get me wrong, my girly and feminine side are still in me but it it doesn't mean that I can't have that boyish side.

If you were to ask me what interests me the most, I'd tell you that 'THINKING' actually interests me the most. You must be thinking that I'm crazy because 'thinking' requires quite an amount of energy and it drains our brain juices. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I love to read; some books just can pull me into this deep thinking, which I like. In example, the current book I'm reading, Fifty Shades of Grey actually makes me put on my thinking cap. Please don't think that I'm those pervertish type (if such word exists) just because I'm reading it. I personally think its an interesting book and it surprised me that the story actually goes like that; Grey being the Dominant and Steele being the Submissive. I've never thought it'd turned out to be like this, that's why it interests me and pulls me into finishing the book. As I've mentioned earlier, this book makes me think of how someone can actually turn into a person like Christian Grey. If you see it through some psychology theories, it may be due to his childhood experience that has moulded him into the person he is now. If I were to go through his experiences, would I end up being like him? And are there any ways that can erase the person that he is now? One more thing, how can one get aroused by feeling pain? To me, pain is pain and I do not like the feeling of pain. I will NEVER understand people who gets pleasure out of pain. To me, they're SADISTS.

Okay, from me to the issue of Christian Grey; seems a little bit out of topic. I guess that's all (:

'....my emotions and feelings are what I do not trust the most because sometimes, they sell me out...'

What would you do?

I don't know how many times I've erased the words I typed, but I can't seem to channel my feelings through words right now.


When the voices in your head tell you to give up
Would you listen, or would you go on? 
When you feel so powerless and tired, 
What would you do? 
When there's no one around to hold you when you cry,
When everything you built decides to tumble upon you,
Can you stand on your ground and defend yourself? 

What would you do when your feelings decide to take the wrong turn? 
Do you fight for that someone whom your heart desires?
Or do you choose to ignore that growing feeling? 
Would you still fight for him when you know its wrong? 
Or would you stand back and love him secretly?

When laughter turns to sorrow
When smiles turn to tears
When the sun stops shining and rain pours
Remember that none are permanent
Sorrow will turn to joy
Someone will come along and wipe your tears away
And the rainbow appears after it rains 
Because that's just how life is. . . . .nothing stays the same

'I'm still ALIVE, and I'm learning. . . . .'

One of the things I've learned so far in Nursing is to always be mindful. She never fails to mention that every time during our lab lesson. Most of us are not mindful at all; we don't care about others, we only care for ourselves. When someone is in need of help, we don't have to wait for them to ask. We ask them, because some people they have problem asking for help. I was disappointed with myself because I lost that'mindful' thought for a moment. How could I? They taught us that in school, I did that in school but how could I have forgotten? As for now, I'll have to keep that in mind because I aim to be an excellent nurse and being mindful is definitely one of the biggest things that nurses should have.

Every skills class we learn different things; measuring BP, moving a patient from a bed to a wheelchair, feeding, transferring and so on. Trust me, these things are never easy to be done and they require skills and knowledge as well as common sense. So tell me, why is NURSING considered as a low-skilled job? We have so much to learn, so much to remember and nurses have to be great in multi-tasking. In a ward, we don't only care for one single patient, we care for the rest as well. Some people see nursing as a dirty job as well. Why? Because we have to clean patients' wastes and clean their body? If there are no nurses, who is going to take care of your elderly, your old folks? Are you going to wipe their butt or assist them when they need to go to the washroom? Are you going to feed them? It takes a whole lot courage to be a nurse and I've chosen my way. All I can ask for is the Lord's blessing for me to continue the course because this is what I really want.

As for today's skills lesson, one of us in the group had to be blindfolded and fed with food. I was the one who were blindfolded. Trust me, that feeling of seeing nothing but pitch black, is scary. Its as though you have lost trust in everything, everyone and you're much more vulnerable to your surroundings. I personally do not like the feeling of being blindfolded. This is how we learn how patients with disabilities feel. It is never easy for them when they cannot hear, cannot see or cannot talk. Hence, we have to build that TRUST between us and the patients and I believe its never an easy thing to do.

I'm not sure about the rest but this lesson actually made me realised even more of how lucky I am; I have no disabilities but I have flaws. All I'm saying is that, it teaches me more than how to be a good nurse. It shapes me as a human as well, it makes me realise that I should be thankful that I'm not the one on the hospital bed.

Life goes on. . .as long as we are alive, we should thank God because He gave us another day to live.

Its not too hard to say 'I Love You'

". . . mama, I love you."

The last three words from a 17-year-old teenage girl who had lost her Mom to two cold-hearted robbers. 

Like I've tweeted, its heart-wrenching to know that such tragedy could happen, anywhere anytime even as I'm blogging now, somewhere in this world someone is dying. As I was reading her blog post, yes, tears started streaming down my face. Who wouldn't? This isn't some drama or movie but it really did happen. To some of you, this is only one of the millions and billions of cases happened but have you ever thought of how those who have lost her feel? No, we will NEVER understand how they feel unless we went through the same thing. This is also one of the thing that I've learned in my Nursing course; we will never know how our patients feel because we don't go through diagnosis like they do. Its just the same here. 

At one point of her post where she stated how the robbers stabbed her Mom, I wondered how can anyone actually be this brutal? Can you grab a knife and simply go stab someone on the streets? Can you steal a gun and just shoot someone in the head? Can you abduct a child and chop him up then sell his organs? I mean, NORMAL humans like you and me wouldn't even want to use a needle to purposely prick someone, right? Then you must be thinking that those murderers are ABNORMAL. Well, maybe they are or they're not but one thing for sure, they have something in them that drives them to act brutally. Whatever it is, the lives of the innocence  that they've taken, they will pay for them one day. When they finally come to their senses, they will suffer because they KNOW that their hands are STAINED with their BLOOD. They can never erase what they did nor can they return the lives of those they killed and when their time is here, they will suffer in hell. Hence, there is no need to cuss and jinx these murderers because God has in hands of what consequences they're going to face. 

Appreciation

This girl lost her mom before she could even re-pay her for all the things her mom had done for her. Her mom will not be there when she graduates or gets married or even have children. Have you ever wondered if she's feeling guilty because she did not value her chances when she had them? Maybe she does, because most of us don't often APPRECIATE those around us and we should really start doing that before everything is too late. 

How often do you tell your parents that you love them? Do you kiss them goodnight and bid them good morning? Do you hug them when you're home from school? Have your meals with them, watch movies and go shopping with them? 

I admit I'm one of those who rarely do all of these. Now I know, because I'm away from home and I miss them so so so so so much. It feels weird to wake up everyday and not seeing my Mom's face or hearing her voice. This house I'm staying in, its not a home. What's a house without a complete family in it - just a HOUSE. Sometimes I have this urge to just grab a ticket and fly home and I've only been here for three weeks. I'm starting to learn how to appreciate things and those whom we love. Heck, I even miss watching football with my Dad and saying that MU is going to win. Yet I still have the chances to do all these when I'm home but those who had lost their loved ones, they don't get to do what they used to do anymore. Hence, keep all these little things in heart because these are what create a family. And our appreciation and love are what tighten the bond. Tell your parents you love them, EVERYDAY, every minute every second, if you can. Thank them, even for the tiniest thing they do for you. Hug them because their hugs are the warmest, filled with love and care. 

Its not too late to start doing all these. . . . .

Of chasing dreams and missing home

Words are never easy to be spoken. We often have so much in our mind, but do we express them verbally that often? I personally have difficulty expressing my feelings verbally because I'll either break down and cry or I couldn't find the right words. Hence, blogging is one of my ways of expressing.

Have you ever want something so much but when you're doing it, it's killing you slowly? I hate being away from home. I hate being away from the people I've always been together with. It makes me feel lonely and home sick and vulnerable. Then I started thinking, I should just stop creating close bonds with people because one day I might have to leave again and that feeling of being apart from someone close, it sucks. I never bid goodbye to any of them who are close to me when I left because goodbyes suck.

Now I'm alone out here, far away from my family and friends, it makes things so difficult sometimes. I miss my mom, my sisters, my cats. I miss eating my mom's food and even my own bedroom and shower. The truth is, I'm that kind of person who needs to stay close to home but I'm doing the exact opposite of it. Everyday I force positive thoughts into my mind; I'm here chasing my dreams, I'm gonna make life easier for my family, I'm gonna be fine and its just three years. I force myself to not think of how much I miss home, I'm not allowing a single tear drops and I'm trying to get rid of this loneliness in me.

Some of you may think, "Oh how great it is and how lucky you are to get an opportunity to study overseas" and "Imagine all the things you could do when you're away from home". Yes, it is indeed a great opportunity and yes you're free from those rules and stuffs but for me, I'd rather have my family here. It's a huge change in life for me after eighteen years of being home, sleeping in the same room living in the same house and my routines are totally different now. I don't get to watch any more TVB dramas here, I don't get to eat home-cooked food. Heck, I don't even get to have breakfast. And, I miss my cats so badly I just wanna hug them.

It's just the first week and I'm already in this state. God please give me strength to go through all of these. Please guide me through. I can't do this on my own. I don't have that strength to get past all these alone.


Being away from home is never a pleasant thing. . . . . .

Between lies and truths

He's bad, you know he is
It's wrong, you know you shouldn't be doing it
But he's a friend
And he's flirting too much, what should you do?


How can one differentiate between lies and truths sometimes? You have person A telling you another story that person B told, but person B told you a different story. Maybe person B ain't that good after all. Maybe he just wants you that's why he lied to you thinking you don't know the truth behind it.

Lies and truths, they are rather confusing. Some think that lying for good reasons doesn't harm. Some lie because they want something or are escaping something. Either way, lies suck. They sometimes hurt more than the truth itself. Would you want someone to lie to you saying that your, lets say, boyfriend is still alive and is somewhere far when he's actually dead? What I mean is, the truth will always be revealed. Nobody can hide something forever. They can never leave pass the guilt. In the end, the truth is still the best answer.

Our Evil Twin

Sometimes I wonder, is the really an evil side of us in within? If yes, will we one day lose control and accidentally allow the evil us to unleash itself? What will happen then?

This question has been on my mind for some time and after watching a Singaporean drama entitled 'Beyond', I'm certain that each of us has a hidden side which sometimes we don't even realize. It can be gruesome, fearful and pure evil. Or can one really be 100% pure and holy? I'm sure that every one of us has sinned and did something which we regret. The devil is within us; if we choose to unleash it, only will it take over. We're constantly at war with ourself because we are our own worst enemy. Every single thought is from our mind; the voices that we hear, the decision that we make.

Hence, it is important that we suppress our evil self and have faith in God. Personally, I think that jealousy, lust, desires for certain things, hatred and all negative feelings and thoughts are what create the evil twin. They don't only hurt others, they destroy ourself. For example, being angry at someone requires a huge amount of energy. So why waste your energy on hating someone when you could conserve it for better use? For us to do that, we have to learn how to forgive. It is hard, I don't deny that but we can learn. It's not necessary that one has to forget, but it's always the best option to forgive.

I'm not perfect myself; I have flaws and yes I have anger, jealousy and sometimes lust as well. But I'm willing to control all these negative energy just so I'm able to lock my inner monster.

Till Love Finds Me

What are we without love?

There are so many things in this world that we do not understand and probably never will. Will we ever find the one that was made for us for God had made us in pairs? How long does it take? This reminds me of a book I read entitled 'Where Rainbows End'. Both the man and the woman in the story were meant to be with each other but they only got together when they were aged 50+.

See, love is a strange thing. When you're with someone, you have to know when to let loose your string and when to hold it tight. When it's there, you'll feel it. Sometimes, you may think its fooling with you because your heart gets shattered again and again. But somehow, love will one day manage to mend your broken heart.

I'm still waiting for mine. Till then, my heart will always be sealed in this…ice barrier. Maybe one day, he'll be mine. Just some day…